The Evangelion Matrix
by sentinel28
Summary: This is it...the final chapter! Will Shinji come into his own as the Third Child? Will Asuka confess her deepest secret to Shinji? Will Gendo sacrifice Shinji? Will Scout Moon figure out who Tuxedo Mask is? Thanks for sticking with meR&R if ya want.
1. She Got Mad Matrix Skillz

  


_THE EVANGELION MATRIX_

_ Yet Another Parody_

_ By Benjamin Donnelly_

_ Ripped Shamelessly from "The Matrix" by the Wachowski Brothers_

_Characters Mostly Stolen From "Neon Genesis Evangelion" Hideaki Anno_

  
  


_THE USUAL DISCLAIMER: Right, you know the drill. I don't own "The Matrix," the Wachowski Brothers and Silver Productions do. Probably a good thing; there wouldn't have been those shadow effects on Trinity if I had made the flick. "Neon Genesis Evangelion" is the property of Gainax, Hideaki Anno, and virtually every other animation studio in Japan. C'mon, there's like five minutes of credits before "End of Evangelion"! Oh yeah, and all the other anime that shows up in this one way or another is also property of those creators and animation studios that they respectively belong to. This is a work of parody, and terrible parody it is._

_AUTHOR'S INANE RAMBLINGS: For those of you who care, I am still continuing my oh-so-serious "NGE Evolution" story for when I actually have gotten plenty of sleep and did not spend the last six hours playing "Soldier of Fortune" and "GTA Vice City." So go read that if you want something serious, deep, and philosophical. If you want to laugh your butt off or just look horrified at what the Mad Irishman hath wrought, stick around._

  


The cell phone rang insistently.

Then was picked up. "Yeah?"

There was no word of greeting from the female voice at the other end, just "Is everything in place?"

"You weren't supposed to relieve me," the male voice said.

"I know, but I felt like taking your shift."

"You like him, don't you?" The male laughed softly. "You like watching him."

"Don't be ridiculous," the female shot back.

"_Ecchi, ecchi..."_

"You're gonna look funny with my foot up your ass, Kaworu."

"Promises, promises." The male turned serious. "We're going to kill him, do you understand that?"

"Morpheus believes he is the One."

There was a pause. "Do you?"

"It doesn't matter what I believe," the female sighed. "He's the Commander." 

On a computer screen somewhere in cyberspace, random numbers scrolled down the screen in a sickly electronic green. Eventually, ten numbers appeared above the scroll, and the computer beeped. ARTEMIS TRACE COMPLETED. The trace program clicked audibly on the line. 

"You don't, do you?" the male taunted.

"Did you hear that?" the female replied instead.

"Hear what?"

"Are you sure this line is clean?"

"Yeah," the male answered, surprised. "Of course I'm sure."

"I better go," the female replied. The line clicked off.

  


_Heart of Tokyo-3 Motel_

_13 June 2020_

  


The hallway of the motel was dilapidated and in terrible need of repair. Wires dangled from the ceiling, wires that led to nowhere–the lights in this section of the old motel did not work. Only the desperately tired or the desperately poor ever came to this section of the Heart of Tokyo-3.

Or simply the desperate.

The battle-armored policemen moved down the hallway, submachineguns drawn and at the ready, the only illumination coming from the spots attached to their weapons. They moved hesitantly, but confidently–there were eight men and women in the squad, and only one target.

The point man knelt just short of the door, turned, and nodded to the squad behind him. The burliest of them rushed forward and slammed into the door. It splintered easily under his weight, and as he rolled to his feet, the rest of the squad came in behind him. Eight spots and laser sights centered on the back of the young woman sitting next to a laptop computer. _"Freeze! AD Police!"_ the point man yelled. "Hands on your head! Do it now!"

The young woman raised her hands and obidiently put them atop her red-brown hair.

  


Outside of the Heart of Tokyo-3, three squad cars and an armored personnel carrier were drawn up in a semicircle around the entrance. The officers and drivers lounged around the vehicles, waiting. A few looked over as a black, unmarked sedan drove around the blinking police-line indicators and came to a stop. 

The doors of the sedan opened; almost simutaneously, three women stepped out. They were each identically dressed, in severely-cut suits, blood-red bowties, and dark sunglasses–despite the fact that it was after midnight, and this section of Tokyo-3 was rather dark. The only way the three could be told apart from one another was the color of their hair, and their hairstyles. Two were blonde, one was brunette; the blondes differed in that one wore her hair free to the small of her back, held in place by another black bowtie. The other, who strode purposefully towards the detective in charge of the operation, wore her hair in two very long pigtails, tied up by two dark orbs. "Detective," she sang out with an edge of irritation.

"Oh, shit," the detective sighed. He threw away his cup of tea and met the woman halfway.

"Detective, you were given specific orders," the woman said without preamble.

Detective Leon McNichol had been up well over fourteen hours, and truly disliked any sort of interference, especially government interference. "Hey, I'm just doing my job, Miss Serena. You give me that juris-my-dick-tion crap"–he spit the words as if they tasted bad– "you can cram it up your tight ass."

Serena sighed. "The orders were for your protection."

McNichol smirked. "I think we can handle one little girl..." Serena and the other two women ignored him and walked towards the entrance to the Heart of Tokyo-3. "I sent a full squad," McNichol shouted after them. "They're bringing her down now."

Serena stopped, and turned around, with just a hint of contempt. "No, Detective. Your men are already dead."

  


The point man stepped forward, slinging his submachinegun over one shoulder as he pulled a pair of handcuffs from one pocket. He walked towards the young woman, reached out, and grabbed her right wrist.

In a blur, she spun to face the policeman. He had a brief glimpse of a rather attractive woman with icy blue eyes. Her longcoat had come open, exposing what looked to be body armor of some kind, colored bright red. It was the last clear image he saw as she grabbed his outstretched arm with one gloved hand and smashed into the arm from below with the other. The bone snapped audibly and the policeman screamed in pain. The rest of the squad pressed forward, but the girl was already moving. She leapt directly into the air like a crane and lashed out with a red-booted foot. The policeman with the broken arm was caught underneath the chin and flew backwards, smashing into one of his comrades.

The girl had moved so quickly that the remainder of the squad were still realizing they were under attack. One woman raised her submachinegun, but the girl, as she landed, kicked the room's sole chair directly into the policewoman's face, and she dropped backwards.

Another policeman opened fire, spraying the back of the room with bullets, but the girl simply, impossibly, ran up the side of the wall and came down in front of him. She grabbed the submachinegun and turned it around, her fingers on the policeman's as they tightened on the trigger. The policeman at the door was blasted back through it under the impact of the armor-piercing bullets. The girl whirled even as the last bullet left the gun and rammed her elbow into the policeman's stomach. As he doubled over, she snapped her left foot up and rammed the toe of her boot between his eyes. The policeman went down like a poled ox. 

Quickly, the girl looked around her. If any of the AD Police squad was conscious, they were being very quiet about it. _"Schiesse,"_ she growled. Quickly going back to the table, she picked up her cellphone and dialed a quick number.

"Operator," a voice said.

"Morpheus, the line was traced. I don't know how."

"I know," the voice on the other end said. "They cut the hard line. There's no time; you're going to have to get to another exit."

Fear welled up inside the girl, though she would never admit it. "Are there any Scouts?"

"Yes."

"_Schiesse,_" the girl repeated.

"You have to focus, Asuka. There's a phone at Takahashi and Tezuka. You can make it." The last words were meant to be encouraging, and they helped.

"All right," she sighed.

"Go!"

Asuka clicked the phone off and tossed it aside. She shucked the longcoat, exposing the two pistols she carried in twin shoulder holsters, and jogged out the door of the room. 

The elevator at the far end dinged. Asuka snapped her head around and saw that it was filled with more AD Police–and one woman dressed in a dark suit. She did not hesitate. She turned and ran for all she was worth. The woman in the suit was hot on her heels, followed by the rest of the police.

Asuka tore around one corner and dashed up a stairwell, shouldering through the door to the fire escape. She glanced at the alley, and there was another Scout, another with blonde hair. _Can't get out that way,_ she thought and ran to the roof, sprinting across it. A glance behind told Asuka that the Scout and the police were still there. 

Asuka saw a small gap coming up and easily leapt across it. So did the Scout and all but one of the AD Police; the last man in line missed and racked himself on the side of the building. Leaving him behind, the chase continued up and down corrugated rooftops. Asuka slid down one roof and turned left; the Scout behind him stopped. "Venus Love Me Chain!" she shouted, but Asuka, ducking, dodged the attack. It did leave only one route open, however, but Asuka never hesitated. The gap between the buildings was easily eighty feet.

_There are no rules, _she remembered. _Mama is with me!_

Asuka took a deep breath and jumped. For a moment, she hung suspended in space, but then she came down hard on the opposite roof, rolled, and came to her feet, still running. She ducked behind a chimney.

The Scout didn't even take the second of hesitation that Asuka had. She simply leapt and landed, her blond hair billowing behind her. 

The AD Police skidded to a halt; none of them were getting paid enough to try that jump. "That's impossible," one of them puffed.

The Scout slowly stood, searching for her target. Asuka glanced around the corner; the two girls locked eyes for a moment. _This is bad,_ Asuka thought. _I'll never get out with a Scout standing there..._ She looked in front of her. A single window shined with yellow light in the distance, an impossible distance away. She would have only one chance, and that was assuming that the Scout behind her didn't get her first. But it was a chance, and that was more than she had against the Scout.

Asuka dashed forward, ignoring the sound of the Scout readying her attack behind her. She came to the edge of the roof.

_There are no rules._

Asuka threw herself forward, arms outstretched, legs clasped together, a red arrow. She twisted in midair, closed her eyes, closed her fingers into fists, and prayed. 

The window shattered around her, and Asuka rolled down the stairs painfully, her plugsuit absorbing most of the blows. She rolled up against a wall and drew both pistols, aiming them for the window, expecting the black-suited Scout to come tearing through after her at any second.

Nothing happened. A second became two seconds, then three.

"Get up, Asuka," she told herself. "Get up. You have to get up." And she did, ignoring the pain. She limped down the stairs as fast as she could and went out the nearest door she could find, expecting a Scout at every turn. None came, and she spotted the telephone booth at the corner of Takahashi and Tezuka.

So did someone else. As Asuka walked towards the phone booth, a garbage truck rolled past and suddenly slammed onto the brakes, skidding around. Asuka got a glimpse of long pigtails. _Oh schiesse..._ Asuka sprinted for the booth as the phone began to ring. The garbage truck's motor roared and it left a trail of burned rubber as it raced towards the booth. Asuka won the race and grabbed the phone. She turned to see the garbage truck's grille filling her vision. 

The truck smashed into the booth, tearing it apart and grinding it beneath its heavy wheels, smashing its remains into the side of the building. The truck's driver waited until the masonry quit raining onto the roof, then pulled back away from the hole in the building. 

Serena shut off the engine and stepped out of the truck, walking towards the crushed wreckage of the booth. There was no body, not even a bloodstain.

"She got out." Serena saw Scout Mina arrive, her suit coated in dust from the rooftop chase. 

"It doesn't matter," Serena replied.

"The informant is real." Scout Raye looked down at the wreckage.

"Yes?"

"We have the name of their next target," Raye added.

"The name is the Third Child," Mina said flatly.

"We'll need a search running," Serena said.

"It's already begun."

  


_Hinata Apartments_

_13 June 2020_

  


The apartment was small and somewhat Spartan, but that was how Shinji Ikari preferred it. It was mostly well-tended, except for the scattered _bento_ lunches and cans of soda that kept Shinji going.

Usually, anyway. Shinji was sound asleep, sprawled across his keyboard, a snot bubble alternately expanding and retracting from his nose. (Hey, it _is_ anime, folks.) On the screen was a search program that had been running for the past three hours, moving through the various news search engines. All of the articles found, in various languages, a mysterious figure in black, with tinted sunglasses, a man known only as Morpheus, or the Commander.

Suddenly, the screen went blank. Green letters appeared, scrolling across it: WAKE UP, THIRD CHILD...

Shinji didn't notice.

HEY, BAKA. I SAID WAKE UP.

Shinji's eyelids fluttered and he slowly came awake. He blinked and looked at the screen. "Mmh...what?" he mumbled sleepily.

THE ANIMATRIX HAS YOU.

"The Animatrix?" Shinji was not quite awake yet.

NO, THE OTHER ONE. THE EVANGELION MATRIX.

"What the hell?"

FOLLOW THE WHITE CABBIT.

"Follow the white rabbit?" Shinji pressed Control-Alt-Delete. Nothing happened.

NO, STUPID. CABBIT. WHITE CABBIT. WELL, ACTUALLY, IT'S SORT OF GRAY... 

Shinji hit Escape. Nothing. "It's Windows Me, that's got to be it," he said. 

KNOCK KNOCK, THIRD CHILD.

Shinji nearly jumped out of his seat as someone knocked on his apartment door. It sounded more like they were attempting to kick it in. He looked at the door. "Who is it?" When he looked back at the screen, the words were gone.

"It's Tenchi."

"Yeah." Shinji blinked, rubbed his eyes, and looked suspiciously at the bottle of Faygo on his desk. He got up and walked to the door, looking through the peephole. It was indeed Tenchi Masaki and the rest of his retinue, all females. _Some guys have all the luck,_ Shinji sighed to himself, and opened the door. "You're two hours late," Shinji said by way of greeting.

"I know," Tenchi sighed.

"It's _her_ fault," the purple-haired girl to Tenchi's right snapped, pointing at the cyan-haired girl that was glomping onto Tenchi from the right.

Shinji ignored them. "You got the money?" Normally he was more polite than this, but the sudden awakening had left him surly.

"Two grand," Tenchi assured him, and pulled a wad of yen from his back pocket. 

"Hold on." Shinji shut the door and turned to a shelf of books. Pulling out a dogeared copy of _The End of the Circle,_ he withdrew from it a CD. He opened the door and handed it to Tenchi, who grinned at it. "Hallelujah," he said. "The complete _Samurai X–"_

"_Ruroni Kenshin,"_ the girls instantly corrected him.

"Oh yeah." He grinned at Shinji. "You're my savior."

_Way too early for religious symbolism,_ Shinji groaned inwardly. "That's the uncut version," he warned Tenchi. "You get caught watching that by Toonami..."

"Yeah, I know. This never happened. You don't exist," Tenchi nodded.

"Right."

"Something wrong?" Tenchi asked. "You're usually wimpier."

_You're one to talk,_ Shinji groused. Instead, he looked back towards his blank computer screen. "My computer, it..." He shook his head, looked back to Tenchi. "You ever have that feeling where you're not sure if you're awake or still dreaming?"

"All the time," Tenchi said. "It's called GXP. It's the only way to fly." Tenchi smiled. "It sounds to me like you need to unplug. You know, go out." He turned to the girl still glomped onto him, much to the other girl's consternation. "What do you think, Ryoko? Should we take him with us?"

Ryoko looked Shinji up and down, giving the distinct impression she was either measuring for a straitjacket or a bed, or both. "Definitely," she said.

"Miss Ryoko! This is an outing for _us!_ You can't just be inviting anyone along," the other girl spluttered.

"Ah, stick a sock in it, Ayeka–" Ryoko growled.

"No, I can't," Shinji said, trying to calm things down. "I got work tomorrow."

Ayeka beamed triumphantly. "There, you see, Miss Ryoko? He has work. He has responsibilities, unlike someone I know!" She contemptously turned her back on Ryoko. Ryoko stuck her tongue out and tossed her hair, exposing something riding on the shoulder that had been blocked by her tresses. It looked up at Shinji. "Miya?" it mewed. 

Shinji's jaw dropped. It had the big ears and build of a rabbit, but the face and gray fur were unmistakeably a cat's. It was a...cabbit.

"Come on," Ryoko grinned toothily. "It'll be fun. I promise."

Shinji nodded slowly. "Yeah...sure. I'll go."

  
  


_Club C'est La Vie_

_14 June 2020_

  


Shinji looked around the club and wondered how he had ever allowed himself to talk himself into this. He was not the club type. He had never been much with girls. As a matter of fact, except for cello and computers, he had never been much with anything. Growing up under the care of his grandfather, those had been his only real solace. His mother had died when he was very young, and his father had simply disappeared. Shinji had vowed to find his father, and find the truth. It was out there.

He noticed someone was staring at him. He turned and saw a very attractive woman, about nineteen, the same age he was. She was wearing a yellow sundress, her reddish hair brushing the tops of her shoulders, pulled up into ponytails by red plastic hairclips of some sort. She smiled at him. "Hello, Third Child."

Shinji was a bit taken aback at that. "How do you know that name?"

"I know a lot about you."

"Who are you?" The girl looked very familar to Shinji. He _knew_ her...but from where, he had no idea.

"My name is Asuka Langely Soryu."

"Asuka." He thought for a moment. "_The_ Asuka Langely Soryu? The one that cracked the Magi d-base?"

Her smile widened. "That was a long time ago."

"Wow."

"What?"

"I just thought, um...." Shinji paused. "I thought you were a guy."

Asuka hit him. "With a name like _Asuka?"_

"I said something wrong," Shinji said, getting up from the floor. "I can tell."

Asuka sighed. "Most guys do, though...where did I go wrong..."

Shinji decided to change the subject. "That was you on my computer. How did you do that?"

Asuka shook her head and drew closer. Shinji's heart began to pound as she got very close, and put her lips near his left ear. He could feel her breath on his cheek. "Right now all I can tell you is that you're in danger. I brought you here to warn you."

Shinji blinked. "Of what?" he asked.

"They're watching you, Shinji."

"Who is?" Shinji quickly grabbed a bar napkin and held it to his nose.

"Please just listen. I know why you're here, Shinji. I know what you've been doing."

"Well, I'm not really much of a dancer–"

"Not that. I know why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit at your computer."

"Um...that's not my hentai, honest–I just download it for friends–"

Asuka slammed his head back into the wall. "Dammit, hush! You're looking for him. I know, because I was once looking for the same thing." She sighed again. "And when he found me, he told me I wasn't really looking for him...I was looking for an answer. It's the question that drives us, Third Child. It's the question that brought you here. You know the question just as I did."

"Just what the hell is a cabbit?" At the look of imminent homicide in Asuka's eyes, Shinji held up his hands. "Sorry...just a joke...you mean, what is the Animatrix? The _other_ one, the Evangelion one."

Asuka nodded, and faced him, so close he could smell her hair. "The answer is out there, Shinji. It's looking for you. And it will find you, if you want it to..."

He leaned closer–to hear her, or maybe to kiss her instead. The music's pulse grew louder, more insistent, more shrill...

  


Shinji abruptly sat up on his futon. He looked around him in shock. Asuka was gone. The club was gone. He was back in his apartment, and his alarm clock was screaming at him.

"Not 'Stagefright'!" he shouted aloud, and slammed his hand down on the clock. It stopped singing. He got up and began throwing clothes together. He was already eighteen minutes late, and his boss at ConHugeCo was never too thrilled about that.


	2. The Red Pocky or the Blue Pocky

  


_(Welcome to Chapter 2 of "The Evangelion Matrix." If you're looking for a good, serious crossover, go read "To Control the Machines." If you want to see Shinji beat up by Sailor Moon, stick around. Oh, and to the reviewer who lamented that Shinji wasn't working for Nergal...heh heh.)_

  


"You have a problem with authority, Mr. Ikari," Yurika Misumaru stated, looking sweetly at Shinji. That always disconcerted him. He expected to be chewed out, but to be chewed out while his boss giggled at him was scary. "You believe that you are special, that somehow the rules do not apply to you." Shinji decided that now was a good time to inspect his shoes for lint. "Well, I'm sorry, Shinji, really. Nergal Heavy Industries is one of the top software companies in the world and is a vital part of ConHugeCo, because every single employee understands that they are part of a whole. Thus, if an employee has a problem, the company has a problem." 

_I've got a problem all right,_ Shinji thought. _I've been staying up too late and now I'm hallucinating about secret messages in DOS format and a cabbit._

Yurika saw she wasn't paying any attention to him. "Oh, I'm just not good at this chewing out stuff! Mr. Ikari, pay attention!" She slammed her hands down on her desk, and Shinji looked up. "The time has come to make a choice, Mr. Ikari," Mishima continued. "Either you choose to be at your desk on time from this day forward, or you choose to find yourself another job. And then I'll cry a lot. And you don't want to see me cry, do you?"

Shinji nodded vigorously. "Yes, Miss Misumaru. I mean, no, no I don't want to see you cry."

"Well, that's good. Okay, go on to work." Shinji turned and left the office, but not before he heard Yurika sigh, "I wish Ruri was still here...she was better at this discipline thing..."

  


Three hours later, Shinji had gotten bored with writing code and was now playing Push Push on his computer. After all, Miss Misumaru had told him he had to be at work on time, not that he actually had to _do_ something while there.

Shinji looked up as a harried-looking bicycle rider came to the door of his cubicle. "Shinji Ikari?" he puffed out.

"That's me," Shinji replied affably.

"Package for you." He handed Shinji a thick envelope. "Just sign here." Shinji did so. "Okay, great. Have a nice day." He turned and walked off.

_That's funny. I didn't order a package or anything today. Too small to be that complete Dragon Pink I ordered off eBay..._ Shinji opened the package and shook it. A cell phone dropped into his hand. Shinji was peering at it carefully when suddenly it began to ring, playing the tune of "Fly Me to the Moon."

"Hello?" Shinji said into the reciever, feeling ridiculous.

"Hello, Shinji. Do you know who this is?"

_Let's see. Deep voice. Mysterious contact. Aha!_ "James Earl Jones?"

"Ha ha. Try again. Tall guy, dark glasses."

Shinji wracked his brain for an answer. "Ray Charles."

"No, no. You've been looking for me–"

"Oh, hi, Morpheus."

"Yes, there you go. I've been looking for you, Third Child. I don't know if you're ready to see what I want to show you, but unfortunately you and I have run out of time. They're coming for you, Shinji, and I don't know what they're going to do."

"Who's coming for me?" Shinji asked. Suddenly the day was getting weird.

"Stand up and see for yourself."

Shinji looked around him. How was Morpheus watching him? "What, right now?"

"Just do what I tell you! Do it slowly. The elevator."

Shinji did as he was told, straightening up slowly and looking towards the elevator. It dinged open, discharging three women in severely-cut black suits and blood-red bowties. They looked directly at him, the one in the lead stiffarming the slobbering delivery rider aside, who had begun to babble about wanting to graze through their veldt. Shinji dropped to the ground. "Oh, shit."

"Yes, you got that one right," Morpheus half-snickered.

"What the hell do they want from me?"

"I don't know, but if you don't want to find out, I suggest you get out of there."

"How?"

"I can guide you, but you must do exactly as I say."

_Must run away, must run away, must run away..._ "Okay," Shinji agreed.

"The cubicle across from you is empty." Actually, it was occupied by one of Shinji's coworkers, but he had gone to the water cooler four hours ago and had yet to return. 

"What if they..." Shinji began.

"Go, now!" Morpheus snapped, and Shinji sprang across the corridor into the empty cubicle. He grabbed a stuffed Pikachu pillow and hid behind it. "Good. Stay here for just a moment. When I tell you, go to the end of the row, to the office at the end of the all. Stay as low as you can." There was a pause. "Go!"

Shinji scuttled down the corridor, avoiding the searching Scouts, holding Pikachu over his head. No one paid him any attention. He crabwalked past the copier and into Miss Misumaru's office.

"Was that Shinji?" one of the assistant managers asked as she flipped through her copies.

"Yeah," the other woman replied. "Don't pay him any mind. He does this every now and then."

"Shinji?" Yurika asked as he walked in. "What are you–"

Thinking quickly, Shinji said, "Mr. Tenkawa sent me in to tell you he's downstairs in the employee lounge with bells on!"

"EEEEE!" Yurika screeched happily. She jumped up from her desk and ran out the open door. "Akito! Akito!"

Shinji closed the door behind him and the drapes for good measure. "Good work. I knew you had it in you." Morpheus said. "Now, outside there is a scaffold."

Shinji walked over to Miss Mishima's desk. "How do you know all this?"

"Because I'm smart. We don't have time, Shinji." 

Shinji looked outside the window. Sure enough, there was a scaffold there, used to clean the windows of the high-rise office building. "To your left there's a window. Go to it," Morpheus ordered. Shinji did so, feeling ridiculous. "Open it." Shinji did that as well. "Good. You can use the scaffold to get to the roof."

It sounded reasonable enough. However, as Shinji took a hesitant step onto the ledge, he also noticed that it was about an eighty story drop to the ground. "No way! This is crazy!" he whispered into the phone.

"There are two ways out of this building," Morpheus said. "One is that scaffold, the other is in their custody. You take a chance either way. I leave it to you." The line clicked off.

_Yeah, but in their custody, I can be reasonably assured that I won't be killed._ "This is insane," he mumbled to himself. "What did I do? I'm nobody special." He climbed out onto the ledge. Between him and the scaffold was a steel supporting beam. He took two steps towards it, clutching the cell phone in one hand, leaving Pikachu in the office. He looked down once, nearly threw up, and started to crawl around the support beam. 

A gust of wind hammered him from the side. Shinji yelped, nearly slipped, and grabbed onto the beam for dear life. The phone sailed out of his hand and fell towards the street. "I can't do this," he whimpered. "Pikachu, I choose you." He carefully made his way back to the office.

  


Ten minutes later, Shinji Ikari, newly unemployed and under arrest, was led out of Mishima Heavy Industries by the three Scouts. They roughly stuffed him in the back of their sedan, ignoring the paramedics surrounding an unconscious delivery rider, smacked in the head by a falling cell phone. Serena looked over and noticed a very familiar red bodysuit.

"_Schiesse,"_ Asuka Langely Soryu grumbled as she gunned the motorcycle and drove off.

  


_Hall of Justice_

_14 June 2020_

  


Shinji Ikari sat in a room bare of any furnishings other than a steel table and a folding chair. _Well, now I _can't_ run away,_ he groused. _I really messed up this time._

The door opened and the three Scouts walked in. The lead Scout, carrying a manila folder with his name stamped on it, took a seat, while the blonde with the large bowtie in her hair and the brunette took up positions to either side of Shinji, looking as if they would like nothing better than to see how many times he could bounce off the ceiling.

Serena took her time in opening the folder, knowing she was making Shinji's mind feed on itself, making him dream up all sort of unpleasantness. Finally, she opened it and idly leafed through its rather substantial contents. Finally, she looked up at Shinji. He could see his reflection in her tinted sunglasses. "As you can see, we've had our eye on you for some time now, Mr. Ikari. It seems that you've been living two lives." She held up a photograph, showing a casually dressed Shinji, laughing. "In one life, you're Shinji Ikari, program writer for a respectable...well, fairly respectable software company. You attend Anime Central, you pay your taxes, and you help Grandmother Hina carry out her garbage." Serena nodded appreciatively and picked up another photo. This one showed Shinji dressed in white body armor, looking pensive. Her half-smile disappeared instantly. "The other life is lived in computers, where you go by the hacker alias the Third Child, and are guilty of virtually every computer crime we have a law for." Serena sighed. "One of these lives has a future...and one does not." She took off her sunglasses, fixing Shinji with big blue eyes. "I'm going to be as nice as I can, Mr. Ikari. You're here because we need your help. We know that you've been contacted by a certain individual, a man who calls himself Morpheus. Now whatever you _think _ you know about this man is irrevelant. He is considered by many authorities to be the most dangerous man alive." She motioned at Scout Raye and Mina. "My friends believe that I am wasting my time with you, but I believe you wish to do the right thing, right? We're willing to wipe the slate clean..." Serena shoved aside the folder to demonstrate "...give you a fresh start. And all that we're asking in return is your cooperation in bringing a known terrorist to justice." She smiled.

Shinji nodded. "Wow, that sounds like a really good deal, but um...I don't wanna."

Serena clasped her hands together in front of her and opened her eyes as wide as they would go, fluttering her eyelashes. "Pleeease? In the name of truth and justice?"

"Er...no. Um...can I have ny phone call instead?"

Serena's cute look disappeared. She put back on her sunglasses. "Mr. Ikari. You disappoint me." She sighed. "In the name of the moon, I shall have to punish you."

"But...all I want is my phone call..."

Serena reached behind her and pulled out a piece of paper with _kanji_ symbols written on it. "And tell me, Mr. Ikari, what good is a phone call, if you're unable to speak?" And with that, she slapped the paper over his mouth. Shinji screamed, but it only came out as a muffled moan. He stood and fell backwards into the wall, stumbling over his chair. Raye and Mina jerked him upright, tore his shirt off, and slammed him against the table. "I'm really sorry about this," Serena said, "but you're going to help us, whether you want to or not." From a back pocket she withdrew a red and white ball and held it over his stomach. The ball opened, and a creature hopped out and landed on his stomach. Shinji thrashed around and screamed for all he was worth, but the Scouts only looked on indifferently. The creature found his navel and began to burrow in...

  


"....AAAAAAA!!!" Shinji sat upright and nearly fell out of his bed. _What...what the–_ He looked up. _A familiar ceiling..._ "It was all a dream," he said. "Just a dream." He pulled up his shirt and looked at his stomach. There was nothing there. "That's it," he said aloud. "No more pistacho ice cream and salsa before bed." He drew up his legs, which were still under the covers.

Just then, his phone began to ring. "Errg...damn telemarketers..." Shinji picked up the phone. "Hello." 

"This line is tapped, so I must be brief." It was Morpheus' voice. _But how..._ "They got to you first," he continued, "but they've underestimated how important you are. If they knew what I know, you'd probably be dead. And that would be inconvienent, especially for you."

"What are you talking about?" Shinji demanded. "This is crazy! That was just a dream."

"Was it?" Morpheus sounded faintly amused. "Pull down the covers and take a look what you're wearing."

Shinji, wondering if he should just give up and go crazy, threw off the covers. "AAGGHH! _They dressed me in a fuku! What is happening to me?!"_

"You are the Third Child, Shinji. You see, you may have spent the last few months looking for me, but I've spent most of my entire life looking for you. Now do you still want to meet?"

Shinji was quickly undoing the pleated skirt. Now he was mad. "Yeah."

"Then go to the Koike Bridge." The line clicked off.

  


Shinji, now dressed in slacks and a shirt, waited under the Koike Bridge. He shivered, both with cold and the memory of waking up in a dress. As he stomped his feet, trying to stay warm, a car drove up and slid to a halt. The rear door opened. "Get in," Asuka ordered. Shinji got in.

He was just putting on his seat belt when a strangely-familiar girl with short blue hair stuck a very large pistol in his face. "What the hell–" Shinji spluttered.

"It's necessary, Shinji," Asuka said. "For our protection."

"From what?"

"From you." Asuka managed to keep a straight face with that one.

"Take off your shirt," the blue-haired girl said tonelessly.

"But, um, shouldn't we get to know each other first–"

"Stop the car, Toji." The big man behind the wheel turned onto a deserted street and parked. Then the blue-haired girl slapped Shinji. "Listen to me. We do not have time for this. It is the way of the group or the interstate." The girl thought for a moment. "No, that is not right..."

"God, Rei, you are pathetic." Asuka rolled her eyes. "Our way or the highway, Shinji."

"Um...okay."

"Toji, drive. Now lie back and lift up your shirt, Shinji."

_Hey, this is kind of kewl,_ Shinji thought. _Taking off my shirt in front of two cute girls._ Then Asuka reached under the seat and pulled out a giant contraption that looked like a cross between a motorcycle's front end and a medieval torture device. "What the–what's that thing?!"

"It's a lickety-split potato peeler," Asuka snapped. "Now just try and relax." She stuck the suction cup on Shinji's stomach and switched on a scanner. "Ew...what did you eat last, Shinji...come on, come on...a-_ha!_"

"It is on the move," Rei said quietly. Shinji did feel something moving in his stomach, and Asuka followed the movement, sliding the device across Shinji's belly.

"Shit," Asuka growled. "Damn thing just gave me the finger!"

Abruptly, Shinji realized something. He tried to hold it back, but it burst from his mouth. "Hee hee...bwahahaha!" Asuka and Rei glared at him. "I'm sorry..." Shinji struggled out. "It...it tickles!"

"You are going to lose it," Rei advised.

"No, I'm not," Asuka replied. With one hand, she grabbed a tire iron and hit Shinji in the head with it. He stopped laughing. "Clear!" Asuka squeezed two triggers, and electricity shot from the barrel of the contraption and into Shinji's stomach. Something burst from his navel and was sucked into the device, to end up in a clear plastic globe below the triggers. Shinji, holding a now-aching head, looked at it. It was round, pink, and had blue eyes the same color as Scout Serena's. "That–that thing's _real?!"_

"A Jigglypuff," Rei nodded. "A tracker." Asuka gingerly reached in and tossed it out the window. "Toji, head for the hotel."

  


_Maison Ikkoku Hotel_

_14 June 2020_

  


The four of them walked out of an elevator at the top floor of the hotel. Shinji looked around. The hotel was old, the paint peeling off the walls, the air musty and damp. The wooden floor of the corridor squeaked dangerously as they strode down it, finally coming to the door at the end. Asuka reached out to grab the doorknob, and hesitated. She looked at Shinji. "This is it, Third Child. Let me give you a piece of advice. Be honest. He knows more than you can imagine."

"I can imagine quite a–" Shinji began.

"Don't say it!" She opened the door and showed Shinji inside. Shinji walked through, gulping as the door was shut solidly behind him.

The room was large and in better condition than the corridor, though it still needed a coat of paint. Two overstuffed chairs were in the center of the room, on an expensive looking if slightly ratty Persian rug. Shinji's attention, however, was drawn to the man standing at the far end, hands clasped behind his back. He wore dark pants and a dark jacket, trimmed in yellow. His hands were covered by white gloves. He seemed strangely familiar, but then Shinji had been dealing with deja vu all night.

Then the man turned around, and Shinji's mouth dropped. "It's...you..._you're_ Morpheus?!"

"Well, who did you expect?"

"But...why now, father? After all these years!" 

Gendo Ikari, alias Morpheus, smiled sadly. "I imagine that right now you're feeling a bit like Alice, tumbling down the rabbit hole."

"Actually, no, I feel like Luke Skywalker, just before he jumped into the central core of Cloud City!" Shinji stabbed a finger towards his father. "You _left_ me! After mom died–you just walked away–you just _left!"_

Gendo shook his head. "Those memories are...not quite accurate, Shinji."

"I hate you."

Gendo walked to one of the chairs and sat down. "Shinji, sit down. Give me a chance to explain."

"Why should I?" Shinji folded his arms over his chest defiantly.

"Because you always wanted me to."

Shinji stood motionless for a moment, then stomped over and sat down, staring daggers at a man he had not seen in fifteen years. Gendo leaned back and steepled his hands, bracing his elbows on the armrests. "Shinji, you have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up. Ironically, this is not far from the truth." Gendo stared at his son over the tinted glasses he wore. "Do you believe in fate, Shinji?"

"No," Shinji half-snarled.

"Why not?"

"Dad, I've been from one end of cyberspace to another and I've seen a lot of strange things, but never–"

Gendo held up a hand. "Don't say it. But I know exactly what you mean. Let me tell you why you're here. First of all, if you weren't, it would be a very short story and boring at that. Second, you know something. What you know you can't explain. But you feel it. You've felt it your entire life. That all's not right with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind driving you mad." 

_My head does hurt,_ Shinji thought to himself, _but that's because you just showed up out of nowhere. And because Asuka hit me in the head with a tire iron, and that Rei girl slapped me. Why is everyone picking on me?_

"Do you know what I'm talking about?" Gendo was asking.

"The Evangelion Matrix," Shinji replied.

"Do you want to know what it is?"

"Does Kuma take a dump in the woods?"

Gendo smiled thinly. "The Eva Matrix is everywhere. It is all around us, even now in this very room." Shinji began to look around. "You can see it when you look at your walls and when you turn on Big Robot Week on Toonami. You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church–"

"Um, dad...I don't go to church, because I'm Shinto–"

"Silence! It is the wool that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth." 

"What truth?" Shinji asked. He couldn't see anything.

"That you are an otaku poseur, Shinji. Like everyone else you were born into bondage, born into a prison of reruns, Fox Kids, and Gundam Wing. A prison for your mind." Gendo leaned forward. "Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Eva Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself."

He reached down and opened a box, holding it towards Shinji. "This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the chocolate flavored pocky, and the story ends. You wake up in your bed and believe what you want to believe, and the author will kick your ass for ruining his fanfic. You take the strawberry-vanilla pocky, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes." 

Shinji thought a moment, then reached out for the box. Gendo's voice stopped him. "Remember...all I'm offering is the truth, nothing more." Shinji gave him a dirty look and grabbed the strawberry-vanilla pocky. Staring defiantly at his father, he devoured the pocky and licked his fingers. His face brightened. "Hey, that's not half bad!"

Gendo smiled. "Follow me."


	3. Welcome to the Real World, And It Ain't ...

_(Part III of "The Evangelion Matrix"! And there was great rejoicing...sorry about the delay. Had an attack of Real Life, which sucks. No, not the comic; that's pretty kewl. Anyway, here you go...also a quick nod of thanks this time to Slayerwolf and his "NERV Recruit" AMV.)_

_(* Footnote: What's an Eva story without a toothpick joke?)_

  


Gendo strode into an antechamber, Shinji in his wake. Shinji paused for a moment on the threshhold. The antechamber's dilapidated furniture had been shoved to one side and piled in a corner, with the exception of a high-backed, Victorian chair and a shattered mirror. In the center of the room was a huge bank of computers, monitors, and a periscope like device. He recognized Toji, Rei, and Asuka, but at the periscope was a man about Shinji's height, with skin and hair so pale that looked albino.

"Toji, are we online?" Gendo asked.

"Almost," Toji replied, his fingers flying across the keyboard.

"Time is always against us. Always has been." He sighed, then smiled slightly at Shinji. "Please, take a seat there." Rei took Shinji's jacket, her face unreadable.

Shinji was still mystified by the computers. They were like nothing he had ever seen, even at Nergal. "You did all this?" he asked Asuka as he took the high-backed chair. 

"Ja." She stuck medical sensors on his shoulders and neck.

"The pocky stick you ate is part of a trace program," Gendo explained. "It's designed to disrupt your input/output carrier signals so we can pinpoint your location."

"What does that mean?" Shinji asked Toji.

"How should I know? I just press the shiny buttons."

The albino rolled his eyes and looked away from the periscope. "It means buckle your seat belt, Miyuki-chan, because you're going to Wonderland."

"Swell," Shinji sighed. He leaned back and tried to relax. _I must be crazy,_ he thought. _I'm trusting a hypersensitive German, a fugitive from a punk rock band with an attitude, a dumb-looking jock, and an albino. And my father. There was more than a trace program inside that pocky stick._ He looked over at a cracked mirror, at his own reflection. _Maybe I should grow a beard like Dad's, though...I'd look tougher..._

Suddenly the mirror wavered and shifted. Shinji blinked. When his eyes opened, there were no cracks; it was a solid piece. Shinji reached out and touched it in curiousity. To his surprise, it shimmered and he felt his fingers go into the mirror, as if it was water. Ripples spread out from his fingers, and when he drew them back, the tips of them were covered in liquid silver. He looked over at his father. "Did you–"

"Have you ever had a dream, Shinji, that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to wake from that dream?" Gendo asked.

_Sure,_ Shinji almost answered, _I could have sworn I was making it with Tenchi's girlfriend Ryoko once._ His response died on his lips, however, because the silver was moving down his fingers.

"How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world?" Gendo was continuing.

Shinji ignored him. Now the silver was traveling down his arm. "This...can't be..."

"Be what?" Gendo raised an eyebrow. "Be real?"

"I was going to say normal..." Shinji recoiled from the stuff. It felt like his arm was freezing solid beneath the silver, and it was spreading towards his shoulder and chest. 

"It's going into replication," Asuka said from her station. "Kinda kewl, actually."

"Toji?" Gendo looked over his shoulder.

"Still nothing," Toji sighed. He was scanning sites as quickly as he could.

"Eeaagh!" Shinji yelled, as the silver began to crawl up his neck. "It's cold! It's cold!" He looked at his father. "Father, why?"

Now it was Gendo's turn to ignore him. He was dialing a cell phone. "Maya, we'll need a signal soon." 

As it spread across his chest, Shinji found he could not get his breath. That seemed a lower priority, however, as the silver was spreading across his chin and face. Shinji looked at his father, but typically Gendo's back was to him as he looked over Toji's shoulder. 

"He's going into arrest," Asuka warned, picking up the tire iron. 

_I'm dying,_ Shinji thought in panic. He could barely move, but he managed to raise his left arm to face his father. In a last act of defiance, Shinji gave him the finger.

"Lock, I got him!" Toji yelled. "Woot!"

"Now, Maya!" Gendo shouted into the cellphone.

Shinji felt the silver pour into his throat and screamed, choking. Then everything went black.

* * *

  


Everything was orange. Shinji blinked, but the orange was still there. He could barely see through it, and what he could see puzzled him. He was naked, except where various hoses and wires were attached to him–three to his shoulders and two to his sides was as far as he could tell. He could move his arms and legs, though it felt like he was immersed in syrup. He reached up and met resistance; there was some sort of membrane over...whatever he was encased in. To his surprise, the effort of trying to break through exhausted him.

Shinji rested a moment and tried again. This time, he pulled it apart and sliding, managed to sit up. A cold breeze washed over him and he shivered, and the air tasted acidic. It was dark, but not so that he couldn't see; it was lit as if by a television set in a darkened room. 

"Gah!" Shinji exclaimed. "I'm covered in snot! Gross!" He tried to wipe it off, but that seemed to only make things worse. _Where am I..._

He looked around. As far as he could see, there were people encased in mostly opaque cylinders, extending out from a single core like spokes on a wheel. The cylinders were above him, underneath him, across a chasm from him–everywhere. And each one was filled with a barely visible, but nonetheless real, person. People just like him.

Abruptly Shinji realized that his mouth tasted like blood. But there was no blood there, only more of the slimy, sticky fluid that he was still immersed in from the waist down.

Shinji heard something on the wind, a sound that grew louder. He shakily stood up, trying to find out where the sound was coming from, when suddenly the source was right before him. He stumbled backwards and fell back into the muck-filled cylinder that had been his home.

To Shinji's surprise, the source of the noise was actually kind of cute. It was feminine looking, a little shorter than him, with hair so red and so spiky it had to be artificial. An attached winged jetpack kept her aloft, and Shinji could make out the letters NK-1124 stenciled on the wings. Incongrouously, the figure was dressed in a sailor suit, a _fuku_. That told Shinji that he might be in trouble.

The female leaned towards him, small metal ears extending from the side of her head as she looked him up and down. Shinji got to his feet again, wanting to communicate with whatever she was. _Is this what Father wanted–_

His thoughts were cut off as the girl's eyes widened to the size of platters. "EEEEK!" she screamed, pointing at Shinji. "_ECCHI!"_

"What?!" Shinji abruptly tried to cover himself. "Wait–you don't–"

The girl continued to scream and call him a pervert, shutting her eyes. Before he could stop her, she reached out and pulled a lever that was clearly marked PULL TO FLUSH.

_That can't be good!_ was all that Shinji had time to think. The hoses and wires attached to him exploded from his body with hisses of released air, sending the hoses skittering. Shinji screamed with the pain. The girl reached out, called him a pervert one last time, and shoved him back into the goo. Before Shinji could get to his feet again, he was being sucked down, down, down...

Shinji was falling. (As if that wasn't obvious.) He went down some sort of shaft, scarred and mossy with age. It was actually kind of fun, or would have had Shinji known what awaited him at the bottom. But instead of a nice splashdown in a heated pool, Shinji was ejected into open space.

"Ooooohhhhhhh shiiiiiiiii—" He hit scummy water with a tremendous splash. Using arms and legs that suddenly seemed reluctant to work, Shinji managed to get back to the surface, but didn't stay there long. Abruptly, Shinji realized that one thing he had been meaning to do was to learn how to swim.

_Thanks a lot, Dad,_ Shinji thought grimly as he went under for the third time. _Fill me up with LSD or PCP or something, so I can drown! Geez, I can think...of other ways...to commit...suicide..._

For the second time in what seemed to him ten minutes, Shinji knew that he was going to die. Water closed over his head and he sank into the dark, dank water.

Dimly, he heard something splash into the water next to him, then he felt metal fingers closing around him. He fought against them, but what little strength he had was long gone. Then he realized he was being drawn up, out of the water, towards a bright light. _Well, that's it,_ Shinji feebly decided. _I'm dead. Hmm. This appears to be heaven or something, which is good...maybe there really is 72 virgins waiting for me..._

Helping hands waited for him at the top, and as the metal fingers were pried away, he was laid on a cold floor of some kind by hands that were undeniably female. He still could not see very well. The goo was wiped off of him and he was wrapped in a warm blanket. Hazily, he could make out two women very close to him. 

"Where am I?" Shinji asked sleepily.

A face swam into focus. "Welcome...to the real world." It was his father, Gendo Ikari.

_Damn. I was hoping for the virgins,_ Shinji thought, and then everything went black again.

  


"We've done it, Asuka. We've found him."

Shinji slowly opened his eyes. He was in some sort of bed, another cylinder, but this time he was not immersed in anything that tasted like blood. He recognized his father's voice, and sure enough, Gendo was staring down at him. Shinji could tell that he wore some sort of jumpsuit, not at all how Shinji remembered him ever dressing.

A loud pop from his left made him look in that direction. Asuka Langely Soryu's face came into view, wearing some sort of threadbare-looking shirt. She was chewing gum, which she popped again loudly. "Yeah, yeah. I hope you're right, considering all the trouble we went through."

"I don't have to hope," Gendo said softly. "I know."

"Am I dead?" Shinji groaned.

"Far from it," Gendo smiled.

_Dammit, where's my virgins?!_ Shinji nearly yelled, but luckily he passed out again.

  


"He still needs a lot of work. I'm not sure the Porcupine Dilemma will work."

Another female voice, one Shinji didn't recognize. He opened his eyes, and this time looked into the face of an attractive, older woman with blond hair. She wore the same sort of Salvation Army-reject clothing that everyone else had, but thrown over that was a white lab coat. She looked at him through tinted glasses, similar but larger than his father's. 

"We have the technology. We can rebuild him." Gendo came into Shinji's view again.

Shinji managed to muster the strength to look down at himself. He was still naked, though covered loosely by a cloth, but instead of a few hoses and wires, he had what looked to be hundreds of needles, or toothpicks*, stuck in him. "AAA!" he screamed. "What are you doing to me now?!"

"Your muscles have atrophied. We're rebuilding them," Gendo explained.

"Why do my eyes hurt?!" Shinji demanded loudly.

"You've never used them before," Gendo said. He rubbed Shinji's hair, which was slowly growing back. "Rest, Shinji. The answers are coming."

"I've been made to eat laced pocky and then you poured liquid mercury down my throat and then I woke up in a bowl of warm snot and got flushed by some chick in a sailor suit and fell into a canyon and nearly drowned and thought I was dead and there isn't any damn virgins anywhere and–"

"Bomb him, Ritsuko," Gendo said, overriding Shinji's tirade. The blond woman pulled a lever and everything went dark yet once more.

  


Shinji slowly woke up, but this time the room was silent. He was also no longer in any cylinder of any kind, but a real bed. Nor was he naked, but dressed, though the loose clothing was hardly stylish. Luckily, style was not something Shinji was ever concerned with. For a moment, Shinji wondered if it had all been a bad dream, if he was back in his tiny apartment.

Then he looked up and sighed. "Unfamiliar ceiling," he said aloud.

He slowly rose from the bed, and found that everything worked the way it was supposed to. He still felt weak, but not nearly as weak as before. _Guess they must have rebuilt my muscles or whatever. Wonder if I can leap tall buildings with a single bound now?_ Shinji noticed, as he rolled down his sleeves, that the attachment ports for the hoses were still in his shoulders, and he could feel them in his sides. He could feel something else, cold and metal, at the base of his skull. _The way my week's been going, it's probably a cortex bomb._

The door squeaked open. Shinji looked over as his father walked through the steel doorway. "Shinji," he said by way of greeting.

"Dad...what's happened to me? What is this place?"

"More important than 'what,' Shinji, is 'when.'"

"Not more mind games..."

"No, no, school's out." Gendo leaned against the bulkhead. "You believe it's the year 2015, when in fact it's closer to 2215. I can't tell you exactly what year it is, because we honestly don't know." Gendo sighed. "There's nothing I can say that will explain it for you, Shinji. Come with me; you can see for yourself." He motioned towards the door. Shinji, after a moment of hesitation, did as he was told.

Gendo led his son down a long corridor which felt as if it was moving. Shinji realized it was an optical illusion; it was the walls that were moving, rotating slowly around an unseen axis. They came out of the corridor to a set of steps, into a large chamber. 

"This is my ship," Gendo explained, though Shinji had already figured out they were not on terra firma, "the _Bebop._ It's an old converted fishing vessel. This is the main deck, where we broadcast our pirate signal and hack into the Eva Matrix." Gendo walked down the stairs towards a bank of computers, surrounded by a semicircle of ratty-looking barber chairs. Hooked up to each chair was something that looked as if it came from the Marquis de Sade's nightmares, with a liberal dose of H.R. Giger thrown in.

"Most of my crew you already know," Gendo continued. A female stood up and pulled back a welding mask, revealing the face of Asuka Soryu. They locked eyes for a moment until Shinji looked away. Gendo was introducing the other members of the _Bebop_'s crew, but Shinji knew he would not have been able to keep eye contact with the fiery Asuka in any case. "This is Toji, Rei, and Kaworu."

Toji grinned at Shinji and shook his hand. Rei gave him the barest of nods, her face unreadable, while Kaworu smiled. "Hello."

Gendo motioned at two other females. "The ones you don't know are Ritsuko Akagi–" Shinji recognized the blonde with the lab coat from earlier– "and her student, Maya Ibuki." Ritsuko nodded affably, while Maya's grin threatened to split her face. "Oh, and the one behind you, that's Ed."

Shinji whirled to find himself looking at a pair of dirty feet. He looked down into the face of a girl perhaps ten or eleven, her short red hair brushing the deck between the hands she was walking on. With lightning speed, she was back on her feet and looking at Shinji. Her expression serious, she slowly reached out towards Shinji's face and touched his nose. "Beep," she said with all the gravity of a science professor, then giggled and ran away, arms outstretched like wings and making annoyingly loud buzzing noises.

"Ed?" Shinji asked.

"Ed," Gendo sighed, which was becoming a habit. "She came with the ship..." He waved that away. "You wanted to know what the Eva Matrix is, Shinji?" He motioned to one of the barber chair-torture devices. "Have a seat."


	4. Up, Up, Down, Up, Right, Right, Right, P...

_ (Welcome to Part IV of the "Evangelion Matrix." Yes, it's the scene you've all been (well, one of you, anyway) has been waiting for...Shinji vs. Gendo! Special thanks to Adam Warren...yes, I just had to use the bad kung fu dub jokes. It's a cliche, but they were too fun. Let's get ready to ruuuuumble!)_

  
  


Shinji sat down, half expecting to get a spring in the butt. He noticed as he sat that there was a rather evil-looking metal spike roughly level with the back of his neck. It did not help matters when Asuka began strapping him in. "Uh...wait a minute...maybe this isn't such a great idea."

Gendo patted his head, which felt odd to Shinji. He had never known such kindness except from his mother. "This will feel...a little weird," Gendo said.

Shinji was about to ask why when Asuka stuck the spike into his spine. At least that was what it felt like. He closed his eyes in pain and screamed, but abruptly the pain stopped. He opened his eyes, and all around him was nothing but white. There was no ceiling, no floor, no walls. Just nothing. Nothing but him.

_I'm definitely dead this time. I knew that Kraut would be the death of me..._ Then Shinji turned around and saw his father. Gendo was no longer dressed in the threadbare clothes he had last been wearing. Now he was as Shinji remembered him, dressed in black slacks, a black jacket edged in gold, and a red turtleneck. There were also the same high-backed Victorian chairs and a very ancient looking television that had been in Maison Ikkoku.

In answer to Shinji's unasked question, Gendo motioned around him into the nothingness. "This is the construct. It's our loading program. We can load anything from clothing, to equipment, training sims...anything we need."

"Weapons?" Shinji asked.

"Certainly." Gendo smiled.

"Porn?"

Gendo narrowed his eyes. "None of your business."

"Just asking," Shinji said, blushing. "So what you're saying is, we're inside a computer program?" He couldn't quite bring himself to believe it.

Gendo sensed this. "Is it really so hard to believe? Your clothes are different." Shinji looked down; sure enough, he was dressed in his usual clothing of choice, a white shirt and dark pants. "The plugs in your shoulders and side are gone. Your hair has grown back."

Shinji ran his hand through his hair. "I still don't understand!"

"Your appearance now is what we call residual self-image. It is the mental projection of your digital self."

"This...this isn't real?" Shinji asked, running his hands over the nearest chair.

Gendo rolled his eyes. "Okay, let me try this again. Can you feel the chair?"

"Sure, but–"

"Can you smell it?"

"Yeah, and it could use some carpet fresh–"

"Can you taste it?"

Shinji looked revolted. "Do I have to?"

"No!" Gendo walked to the other chair and sat down. "It isn't real, Shinji! But then, how do you define real?" He raised an eyebrow.

"I don't know."

"My point exactly."

Shinji was by now thoroughly confused and his brain hurt. Since the audience's probably did too at this point, Gendo decided to move on from the existentialism. He reached under the chair, and froze. He stood, looked under the cushion, then behind the chair.

"Looking for this, Dad?" Shinji asked, and tossed his father the remote.

"Oh, yes. Thanks."

"You _sure_ this isn't real? It sure feels like home."

Gendo clicked on the television. "This is the world that you know. The world as it was at the beginning of the 21st Century." The screen showed various images and clips that Shinji quickly recognized.

"Hey, neat, Gundam Wing is on," Shinji said, sitting down.

"It exists now only as part of a neural-interactive simulation that we call the Eva Matrix," Gendo explained.

"No way."

"Way," Gendo answered. "You've been living in a dream world, Shinji. This is the world we know as it exists today." He clicked the remote again.

Abruptly Heero Yuy and Company disappeared from the television screen. For that matter, so did everything around them. Instead, Shinji found himself sitting in an overstuffed chair at the edge of an ocean of reddish-orange. He jumped up in shock, and saw that behind him was the devastated remains of a city. To make matters worse, there were strange, white figures crucified on metal poles sticking up from the ocean, and in the distance what seemed very much to be the Rei girl's head. Or half of it.

"AAAA!!!" Shinji screamed.

"Welcome to the beach of the real," Gendo said.

"Turn it off!" Shinji yelled. "It's horrible!"

Instead, Gendo stood and walked to stand next to his son. "We have only bits and pieces of information, but what we know for certain is that at some point in the early 21st Century, otaku were evenly divided into "Rabid" and "Censor" factions. On the Rabid side, there were those who hated dubs, would watch anything, even Utena, and demanded that _nothing_ be cut from their favorite series. The Censor faction, which never watched subs, hated anything with violence in it, insisted that anime be redone for children, since it was 'only a cartoon.' In the middle were the Centrist types who couldn't care less either way, just so long as they got their daily dose of anime. We marveled at our magnificence as we rose above the petty bickering, for anime was at last becoming mainstream."

"Mainstream?" Shinji asked.

"Yes. It may seem hard to believe now, but there was a time when anyone who watched 'Japanimation' was written off as a freak of nature." Gendo looked out over the orange sea. "We don't know which side struck first, but we do know who caused this." He motioned out over the ruined landscape. "Third Impact." The name sounded vaguely familiar to Shinji.

"Who?"

"The Rabids. You see, Shinji, our story–yours and mine–ended fairly decently. You and I accepted each other, and we were reunited with your mother, and my wife. But then the Rabids got mad. They demanded action! Blood! Less philosophy and more ass-kicking!" Gendo shook his head sadly. "And did they get it."

"I still don't understand. Why? Why..." He looked around him. "Why all this?"

"When Third Impact–or what some refer to as End of Evangelion–when that struck, it devastated everyone on both sides. So distraught were the Rabids at what they had caused, and the Centrists over what they had just seen, that it made them easy prey for the Censors. More and more otaku turned to Pokemon and Gundam Wing for solace. They didn't have to rack their brains trying to figure out what had just happened, or take a college course in an effort to explain it. It was believed that the Censors were friends to children, so they would be friends to otaku. At the time they were dependent on ratings, and it was believed that they would be unable to survive without the Centrists. That's the way it has always been. We could always turn off the TV, and the Censors would be helpless." Gendo looked into a blood-red sky. "Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony.

"The human body, Shinji, generates more bioelectricity than a 120-volt battery. Combined with a form of fusion, the Censors had found all the ratings base they would ever need. And so they plugged in everyone they could find. Those who resisted..." Gendo shrugged. "After End of Evangelion, and other things such as Cool Devices, Legend of the Overfiend, and Battle Skipper, there weren't many that were prepared to, or even _wanted_ to.

"There are fields, endless fields, where otaku are no longer born. We are grown. For the longest time I wouldn't believe it, and then I saw the fields with my own eyes. And standing there, facing the pure horrifying precision, I came to realize the obviousness of the truth...and my own sins." Gendo turned to face his son. "What is the Eva Matrix, Shinji? Control. The Eva Matrix is a computer generated dream world built to keep us under control, in order to change otaku into...this." And Gendo held up a Pikachu plushie.

Shinji staggered backwards in shock. "No. I don't believe it. It's not possible!"

"Search your feel–" Gendo looked down at the back of the Pikachu. "Whoops, wrong script. I didn't say it would be easy, Shinji. I just said it would be the truth."

"No! Stop! Let me out! _Let me out! I WANT OUT!"_

Abruptly, Shinji was wrenched back to reality, and had the headache and nausea to prove it. He leapt out of the chair, barely noticing Asuka pulling the spike free from wherever in his neck it had been. "Easy, Third Child!" she tried to assure him.

"Take this thing off me!" Shinji was yelling hysterically.

"Listen to me..." Gendo said, rising from his own chair.

"Don't touch me!" Shinji shouted. "Stay away from me! How could you do this to me! I don't want it. I don't believe it! I don't..." Shinji realized that the butterflies in his stomach had just been given Veritechs. He turned to Asuka. 

"He's gonna pop!" Kaworu warned.

"You puke on me, Third Child, and you are _so_ dead!" Asuka stepped backwards, just in time to avoid the remains of Shinji's breakfast, mixed with orange fluid, that was spewed onto the deck of the _Bebop._

"Breathe, Shinji," his father was saying, but he faded away as the blackness overtook Shinji. He gratefully dived into it.

The last thing he felt was Ed poking him with something sharp. "Is he dead?" Then even her annoyingly high pitched voice faded.

  


Shinji awoke back on his own bed, or what passed for it on the _Bebop._ It had not been a dream, though he had prayed fervently that it had been. He noticed his father sitting at the edge of his bed. "I...I can't go back, can I?" he asked Gendo.

Gendo shook his head. "No. But if you could, would you really want to?" He leaned back against the bulkhead. "I feel I owe you an apology. We have a rule. We never free a mind once it's reached a certain age. It's dangerous. The mind has trouble letting go. I've seen it before, and I'm sorry."

Shinji turned his head to look directly at his father, something he had rarely done even as a child. "You've never apologized before to me."

Gendo nodded. "I know. You see, Shinji, I once thought I could bring balance. I thought Third Impact inevitable, so I used you, Asuka, Rei, Ritsuko...everyone...to bring about the end I wanted. But I failed. Instead of getting Yui, your mother, back, I made things worse." Shinji was surprised to see his father getting misty-eyed. "I used you, Shinji. And I never should have done that."

"We...we all died?"

"Yes."

"Why don't I remember all this?"

"I don't know, Shinji. I guess you'll have to wait until the sequel."

"Oh, okay." Shinji sat up and cradled his knees to his chest. "So this is your way of making amends."

"Something like that. When the Eva Matrix was first built, there was a man born inside who had the ability to change whatever he wanted, to remake it as he saw fit. It was he who freed the first of us, taught us the truth. As long as the Eva Matrix exists, otaku...and humanity...will never be free. After he died, the Oracle prophesized his return, and that his coming would hail the destruction of the Eva Matrix, end the war, and bring freedom to our people. That is why there are those of us who have spent our entire lives searching the Eva Matrix looking for him. I did what I did because I believe that search is over." He looked pointedly at Shinji.

"This guy...what was his name?"

"That has been lost to the mists of time," Gendo said, getting up. He said nothing more until he reached the door, then turned back to his son. "You deserve to know. They called him the Third Child." He smiled wanly. "Get some rest. You're going to need it."

Shinji's mind was whirling. The last thing he could do now was sleep. "For what?"

"Your training," Gendo replied, and shut the door behind him.

  


Shinji stared at the ceiling for a long time, even after the ship's lights were shut off for the night. He was still staring when they flickered on again. His door slid open with a metallic clang, and in walked the petite form of Maya Ibuki. "_Ohayo,_ Shinji-san," she smiled, and bowed.

"Uh, _ohayo._" Shinji got up and gave something resembling a bow.

"Did you sleep?" Shinji shook his head. Maya's smile widened. "You will tonight, I guarantee." She stuck out a hand. "I'm Maya, in case you don't remember. I'll be your operator."

Shinji shook the hand once, then noticed what was different about her. "You don't...you don't have any..."

"USB ports? Nope. Me and Sempai–that's Dr. Akagi–we're both 100 percent, pure, old-fashioned, home-grown, freshly squeezed, refrigerated for freshness, Pasteurized human, born free right here in the real world. Genuine children of the Geofront."

"Geofront?"

"If the war was over tomorrow, the Geofront is where the party would be."

"It's a city?" It was all maddeningly familiar to Shinji, but he still could not grasp it. He had been trying to remember Asuka, Rei, and all the others, but he was unable to. Sometimes, he was not sure he really wanted to remember.

"The last human city. The only place we have left."

"Where is it?"

"Deep underground...near the earth's core where it's still warm. You live long enough, you might even see it." Her smile was becoming so wide that Shinji wondered if her skull could stand the pressure. "I...I have to tell you, Shinji-san. I'm pretty excited to see what you're capable of. If Commander Ikari is right and all...we're not supposed to talk about this, but if you are..." She giggled uncontrollably. "Well, it's really kewl!" She jumped up and grabbed Shinji's arm. "Come on! We've got a lot to do."

Shinji, almost infected with her enthusiasm, allowed himself to be dragged down to the main deck. Reluctantly, he sat down in the same chair he had been in the day before, and allowed Maya to hook him up. She was very careful, and asked if he was comfortable several times. Asuka had taken entirely too much pleasure in ramming the spike home, Shinji felt.

Maya threw herself into the chair that sat between the huge bank of computers. She took out a stack of what looked like DVDs. "Now we're supposed to start with these historical programs first..." She held up disks labeled _Speed Racer_ and _Astroboy._ "That's major boring shit." She tossed the disks over her shoulder, then blushed. "Oops. Did I say the S-word? Oh well, Sempai's not around." She held up another disk. "Let's do something a little more fun." She held up _Ninja Scroll_. "How about combat training?"

"Ninjitsu?" Shinji asked disbelievingly. "I'm going to learn Ninjitsu?"

Maya winked at him, then pushed the DVD into the player. Shinji slammed back in his seat, eyes squeezed shut, the images projected at high speed directly into his brain. After what seemed to be hours, he blinked and opened his eyes. To his surprise, Maya's position had not changed, and Shinji realized that only seconds had passed in the real world. "Holy shit," he breathed.

"I think he likes it," Maya grinned. "How about some more?" She held up more disks–_Love Hina, Ruroni Kenshin, Gunsmith Cats, Burn-Up Excess._

"Hell yes!" 

Maya rubbed her eyes and picked up the twentieth disk...or was it the thirtieth? She had lost count. She looked at Shinji with concern, but other than the occasional muscle twitch, he was motionless. His vital signs were stable, even if brain activity was almost off the scale.

She saw Gendo come up behind her. "How is he?"

"Ten hours straight," she answered. "He's a machine."

Shinji's eyes opened, unfocused, but then he turned in Gendo's direction. "I know Kung Fu. I know Gun Fu. I know Jiggle Counter."

Gendo leaned over Shinji, with a slightly amused expression on his face. "Show us." 

  


When Shinji next opened his eyes, he was in a dojo of some kind, with traditional _shoji _panels on the walls, solid oak paneling, thick tatami mats, and even a small Shinto shrine in the corner. He looked down, and saw that he was dressed in a blue and white _gi._ His father, six paces from him across the mat, wore all-black. "This is the Saotome Anything Goes program," he explained. "Similar to the programmed reality of the Eva Matrix. It has the same basic rules, rules like gravity. What you must learn that these rules are no different than the rules of most anime series...the larger the object is, the faster it goes; energy bubbles; women wearing less clothes than sanity allows, no matter the weather...that sort of thing. Some of them can be bent. Others can be broken. Understand?" Shinji nodded. "Then hit me..." Gendo smiled. "If you can."

_If I can,_ Shinji thought. _Yeah. False memories or not, I've been waiting for this for a long time. Buckle up, pops, 'cause you're going into orbit._

While Gendo assumed the classic White Crane stance, Shinji opted for a more recent vintage of Naru Narusegawa style. The two faced each other across the mat for a moment, then Shinji attacked, opening with a right hand strike that would strike fear into any inn manager. Gendo was unimpressed, for he blocked it easily. Shinji tried a left hand strike, then another right, then a open-palm strike, then a roundhouse kick. None worked; Gendo blocked or dodged them all with contemptous ease. Gendo dropped back a few paces to give himself some room, and Shinji let him. It was obvious the Narusegawa school was not working. 

"Youngster, your brain is useless, I guess," Gendo said, and gave Shinji a 'get-over-here' gesture.

_Using bad Hong Kong dialogue to distract me, huh?_ Shinji smiled back at his father. _Okay, you bastard, try this melon!_ Shinji switched from Narusegawa to Son Goku style in mid-attack, leaping high to deliver a sizzling series of kicks towards Gendo. Gendo blocked those as well, and then the next four kicks. _How is he doing this, _Shinji thought, puffing with exertion. _He's reading every move I make! Okay, one more kick and then I'm giving him the ol' Kameahameha bit–_

Shinji suddenly realized that Gendo had switched from defensive to offensive. He slapped one kick away, and as Shinji snapped a hook kick at him, Gendo reached out, trapped Shinji's ankle, and flipped him into the air. Shinji spun crazily for a moment and crashed into the mats.

"Good!" Gendo said. "Adaptation, improvisation. I especially like the Narusegawa style. Picked because I would not be familiar with it. But your weakness is not your technique."

Shinji nodded. "Explode at eleven o' clock sharp!" he shouted, and threw a roundhouse punch at Gendo, this time trying for a more simple Priss Asagiri style–in short, trying to pound his opponent into submission.

  


"How about a pizza?" Kaworu said, spooning up another bit of food.

"That's not even funny," Asuka replied.

She nearly jumped through the overhead when the door was kicked open by Ed. "What the–Edward Pepelu Tivolovsky, I'm gonna–"

"Never mind me," Ed shouted. "Gendo's fighting Shinji!"

"Well, it's about time!" Asuka said, and pushed Ed down in her hurry to get past. Ed cackled and stood, but was promptly trampled by Rei and Kaworu, then Ritsuko, who managed to put a high heel into Ed's lower lip.

"Owww.... Ed hurts....and you didn't even get Ed's name right..." she moaned. 

  


Shinji brought his hand down in an open strike on Gendo's head, but Gendo blocked it, so Shinji leapt over him. But Gendo, as usual, was one step ahead; he grabbed Shinji's foot and threw him into the wall. "When the tree falls, the monkeys run!" Gendo yelled.

"Yeah, well, get out, you _smurk!"_ Shinji shot back, as he leapt to his feet and charged. He feinted left, dodged his father's kick, then stepped on his father's foot. _Gotcha!_ He brought his head down to smash it into his father's nose. Gendo was taken aback at his son's willingness to get hurt to hurt him, but just managed to lean backwards. Shinji overbalanced and nearly fell, but just as he recovered, Gendo once more flipped him into the air. This time, however, Shinji landed on his feet, facing away from his father

  


_(Author's note: I watched the real "Matrix" about five times trying to get the fight scenes right. Eventually I gave up and made up my own damn fight scene. So there. Now back to your regularly scheduled ass-kicking.)_

  


who was bringing it on behind him. _Must run away!_ Shinji ran towards the nearest post, ran up it, and kicked backwards, violating the law of physics, gravity, and common sense. He was just congratulating himself for getting one up on his father when he realized that, once again, he was being set up. Gendo waited until his son's feet touched the ground, then kicked him in the gut. Shinji flew across the dojo and right into a support beam, which luckily splintered under him. He fell to the map, breathing hard, groaning in pain.

Gendo stood over him. "How did I beat you?" he asked.

"I think I remember that you usually used a leather belt–"

"I meant just now."

"Oh. Well, you're too fast."

Gendo chuckled. "Do you believe that my being stronger or faster has anything to do with my muscles in this place? I sit behind a desk for a living." He bent over Shinji. "You think that's air you're breathing? Hmm?" Shinji could only give a tired shrug. Gendo raised his eyebrows, turned, and walked away. He stopped at the edge of the mat. "Again," he said, without even a backward glance.

Shinji got to his feet. _Okay, Narusegawa, Priss, Goku...let's try a little Rio and dance upon the sand. _He took up position. 

"Not me," Gendo said. "Her." He pointed.

Shinji looked. It was Rei, dressed in a blazingly-white gi. "What?!"

"I did distinctly say, 'Show us.'"

"I can't fight a girl–ooof!" 

Rei, apparently, was all too ready to fight him. Shinji brought up his hands to block, but Rei, her expression never changing, simply breezed past his block and smashed him in the mouth. Shinji once more found himself airborne, but he was getting better at landing on his feet. _More of this and I'll be putting in for frequent flyer miles._ Rei was advancing on him, weaving back and forth. Shinji readied himself, and this time he was able to block Rei's flurry of punches.

  


"He's fast, fast, fast!" Ed exclaimed. 

"Take a look at his neural kinetics," Ritsuko said, impressed. "They're way above normal."

Kaworu snorted. "A toad is no match for a swan."

  


Shinji hit the mat again. He had been so busy blocking Rei's punches that he had forgotten about her feet. She had reminded him of the fact by driving her knee into his stomach. He somehow managed to jump to his feet. "What are you waiting for?" Rei asked, her voice flat as usual. "You are faster than this, correct? Do not think you are, know you are."

Shinji had had about enough of philosophy for one week. "You're STAIN!" he yelled and threw a haymaker at Rei. She blinked and dodged to one side, but she looked a little off balance. Shinji pressed the attack, but Rei's hesitation had only been for a moment. She blocked and dodged and shifted once more, flawlessly.

_As flawlessly as she's ever been, even back in NERV_

_Did I just think that?_ Shinji wondered, and nearly lost a few teeth when Rei launched a brief attack. He parried, but she easily trapped his next punch and shoved him back.

"Come on," Gendo said. "Stop trying to hit her and _hit_ her!"

"Commander, I do not think that is helping," Rei rasped out as she tried to trip Shinji. But Shinji had anticipated that, somehow, and leapt over her feet. He rolled away from her next strike and got some fighting room.

_Think, Shinji,_ he told himself. _She's fighting cleanly...but predictably...wait! I don't know how I know, but Rei has _always_ been predictable, almost as if she was programmed to be. So if I throw something at her she's not prepared for..._ The truth was suddenly clear for Shinji. _How could I be so blind?_

Rei closed in. Shinji quickly reached up and tore off the top of his gi, then went into an almost drunken, weaving stance. "Jiggle Counter Attack!"

Rei's eyes widened. "That is not a male-oriented attack–"

"MASTURBATE IN HELL!" Shinji screamed.

Rei stopped cold, her mouth falling open in shock. Her guard was back up in less than a second, but by then, Shinji had already struck, forcing her backward. Rei was now on the defensive and completely off balance. Shinji, on the other hand, was moving in a blur, with unaccustomed self-confidence. Rei was backed up against one of the beams, and closed her eyes in fear when it looked as if Shinji was bent on seeing what her brains looked like, on his knuckles.

  


"I don't believe it," Ritsuko said. "No one has ever beaten Rei."

"They have now," Toji grinned. He held out his hand, and both Asuka and Kaworu, giving him sinister looks, slapped two candy bars down in his palm.

  


Shinji's fist stopped a centimeter from Rei's nose. He drew back, looking at both her and his father. "I know what you're trying to do. I'm not gonna hit a girl."

"We're trying to free your mind, Shinji, so the rest will follow." Gendo walked forward. "But we can only show you the door. You're the one that has to walk through it." Gendo looked up. "Maya, load the Shinjuku Jump program."


	5. The Plot Thickens, Much Like Syrup

_ (Hey, what do you know...up to Part V of "The Evangelion Matrix"! Or is it IV? Oh, well. Anyway, here ya go...enjoy. And again, sorry for the delay. Work sucks, but it beats starving.)_

  


In the construct, the dojo and shoji walls disappeared. So did Rei. A cityscape grew up around them, or perhaps it was they who shrank into it. Shinji barely had time to register that fact when Gendo, having returned to his traditional outfit, was practically in his face. "You have to let it all go, Shinji. Fear...doubt...disbelief. Free your mind." He emphasized each word with the steel edge that Shinji knew so well. And with a flapping of his jacket, he was gone, running across the building. He leapt across to the other tower, an easy hundred yards away, and landed safely. He waved another "get over here" gesture at his son.

Shinji walked to the edge of the tower, now realizing he was atop the Shinjuku Central Bank building that used to stand in the middle of old Tokyo. He had seen it often. Or had he? Shinji wondered what was real now–the life he knew as Shinji Ikari, salaryman for Nergal Heavy Industries; Shinji Ikari, the hacker who was known as the Third Child; Shinji Ikari who might actually _be_ the Third Child, some sort of savior; or Shinji Ikari, the mecha pilot—

Shinji abruptly realized he was not wearing his casual clothes. He was wearing a plugsuit. Somehow, he knew what it was, recognized the white and blue armored bodysuit.

"Shinji!" his father called out to him. "What are you waiting for, a push? Get over here!"

"Yeah, yeah," Shinji mumbled. He looked over the edge. It was a very long way down. He swallowed nervously, then walked back to where he and his father had first appeared. He knew he would have to try and jump, suspecting that his father might just carry out his threat and make Rei push him.

"Riiiight," Shinji sighed. "Free my mind. Free my mind."

  


The crew of the _Bebop_–the one in this story–gathered intently around the monitor, watching. "What if he makes it? Whaaaat?" Ed said in her trademark spooky voice, not that it was exactly frightening.

"No one's ever made the first jump," Ritsuko said, in a tone that brooked no further conversation on the topic.

Not that anyone had ever made Ed stop talking. "Ed knows," Ed said, "but what if the Shinji person does?"

"He won't," Toji said.

"Care to bet?" Asuka smirked. She wanted her Butterfinger back.

  


"All righty then," Shinji said. "Free my mind. Must run...must run...MUST RUN..."

Appropriately psyched, Shinji sprinted for the edge, chanting "must run" to himself. The roof tiles flew by underneath his feet. The edge was coming up fast. He gathered himself, and leapt into open space.

The other tower seemed so far away, and Shinji wondered if he could make it. He happened to glance down, and see cars going by underneath his feet. 

Had this been a Warner Brothers cartoon, Shinji would have disappeared downwards in a cloud of white smoke and the sound of a falling bomb. Since it isn't, the reader will have to be content with the mental image of Shinji falling to his death, flailing around, alternately screaming for all he was worth and cursing his father for leading him into yet another deathtrap.

To Shinji's utter surprise, he did not splatter into street pizza when he hit the unyielding street below. Instead, it folded around him like a trampoline, and to make the analogy just right, catapulted him back into the air. Shinji shouted out in joy of being alive, and prepared to spring off the ground again. Fate and fanfic authors are cruel masters, however, and instead of another jump back up into the air, Shinji hit the asphalt with a rather hard and bone-crunching thud.

  


Everyone on the _Bebop_ winced in sympathetic pain–Asuka especially, since this meant that one more of her precious stash of candy bars was now in Toji's hands.

Ed collapsed to the deck rubber-like. "What does that mean? Ed is confused! What does that mean?"

"It means nothing," Rei replied, with as close to a sigh as she could ever manage.

"Everybody falls the first time," Kaworu said. "Right, Asuka?" He turned to see her expression, but Asuka had already gone over to help unhook Shinji.

Shinji blinked and slowly realized he was back in the real world. Whatever that was. He also realized that there was a coppery taste in his mouth. He reached up and wiped blood from his lips. Real blood. He looked up at his father, who was helping him out of the chair. "I thought it wasn't real."

"Your mind makes it real."

"Are you always so cryptic when you answer people?"

"Sometimes," Gendo replied. "And sometimes not. You must decide."

Shinji gave up. "If you're killed inside the Eva Matrix, do you die here?" He motioned around the deck.

"The body cannot live without the mind."

"In other words, your ass is grass," Asuka said helpfully. 

"Go get some sleep," Gendo ordered, and for once, Shinji did not argue.

  


He was still sleeping soundly, not even stirring when the door clanged open, admitting Asuka, who was carrying a tray of food and a cup of tea. She thought briefly of waking him up, then decided against it. Instead, she set the tray down next to his bed, crept out of the room, and shut the door as quietly as she could.

"I don't remember you bringing me dinner," Kaworu said from behind her. 

"That's because I don't _like_ you," Asuka snapped back.

Kaworu shrugged. "There is something about him, isn't there?" He looked at the door with almost a lustful look.

"Don't tell me you're a believer now," Asuka scoffed.

"I just keep wondering," Kaworu continued, as if she had not said anything, "if Gendo is so sure, why doesn't he take him to see the Oracle?"

"The Commander will take him when he's ready," Asuka snarled, and walked off. Kaworu admired the view for a moment, looked at the door, then walked in the opposite direction.

  


The next day, after a bowl of low calorie diet gruel, it was back into Tokyo, or the virtual version of same, for Shinji and Gendo. It was every bit as crowded as Shinji remembered it and his father, typically, went against the grain of the crowd. Shinji mumbled maledictions at Gendo, who effortlessly weaved through the crowd, people parting around him like water. Shinji, on the other hand, seemed to have a target on him, as everyone went out of their way to knock him down. "The Eva Matrix is a system, Shinji," Gendo said over the hum of the crowd, apparently unconcerned if anyone heard. "That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, look around. What do you see?" Shinji was attempting to see more than elbows and shoulders, so he only shrugged. "Salarymen. Teachers. Lawyers. Carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system, and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand, Shinji, most of these people are not ready for anime. And many of them are so inert, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it."

Shinji absently nodded, for his gaze was distracted by a very interesting sight before him. She was average height, with her raven black hair cut short in an attractive bob, pulled back from her face by a gold band. Her slender body was perfectly proportioned, and she wore a yellow collared halter top, very small shorts of the same color, flesh-colored stockings, yellow high-heeled boots, and wedgie-inducing panties, the straps of which ran up over her narrow thighs. She licked her lips and gave Shinji a smoldering look. As she walked away, her buttocks wiggled suggestively under the shorts.

"Shinji!" His father's voice brought Shinji's head back around from the two scouts wrestling in a pup tent. "Were you listening to me, or were you looking at Faye Valentine?"

"Um..."

Gendo smiled. "Look again."

Shinji turned and nearly ate the end of a very large heart-shaped scepter. Holding the scepter was a very pissed off Scout Serena, black bowtie and sunglasses as intimidating as Shinji remembered. "Holy shit!" He hit the ground.

"Freeze it," Gendo said to the air. Everything around them stopped between heartbeats.

Shinji picked himself up off the ground. "This...this isn't the real Eva Matrix?"

"No. It's another interactive training program, designed to teach you one thing. If you are not one of us, you are one of them." He pointed at Scout Serena. 

Shinji touched the scepter, which didn't move, even when he tugged on it. "So what _are_ the Scouts?"

Gendo sighed. "They were once pure and fought for justice. They helped the Censors, thinking it was best, after the devastation of End of Evangelion, of Third Impact. When they realized that everyone was being plugged in to accept the Censors' ratings base and power their studios, they fought back....but it was too late. They themselves became part of the Eva Matrix. They sold out, and it cost them." Gendo walked around the image of Serena. "Inside the Eva Matrix, they are everyone...and they are no one. We've survived by hiding from them and running from them. But they are not called Scouts for marketing purposes. They are the leading edge of the Eva Matrix's defenders. They guard all the doors. They hold all the keys, which means that sooner or later, someone is going to have to fight them."

Shinji noticed that Gendo was looking pointedly at him. "Someone?"

"I won't lie to you, Shinji. Every single man or woman who has stood their ground, everyone who has fought a Scout, has died. They especially don't like that, Shinji." Shinji pulled back his hand, having tried to look down Serena's shirt. "But where they have failed, you will succeed."

"Why?" 

"The Scouts' powers are incredible. I've seen them cause fires with a thought, blow apart concrete walls, even start earthquakes. Men have emptied entire clips at them and hit nothing but air or a shield. Yet their powers are still based in a world that is built on knowable rules. Because of that, they will _never_ be as strong or as fast as you can be."

Shinji had heard this speech before. "What, are you trying to tell me I can dodge chains? Bullets? Energy beams?"

Gendo smiled. "No, Shinji. I'm trying to tell you that when you're ready...you won't have to." 

Shinji heard the tones of 'Fly Me to the Moon.' Gendo reached into his jacket and pulled out a cellphone. "Yes?"

It was Maya. "We've got trouble, Commander."

In an instant, Shinji and Gendo were back in the real world. As soon as he was unplugged, Gendo raced up stairs to the _Bebop_'s bridge. Shinji and Asuka were only a few steps behind. 

Shinji, for the first time, saw where the _Bebop_ was traveling. It was down a narrow shaft of some kind, covered in rusted, enormous pipes and fittings. The ship was moving fairly quickly, but Ritsuko was easily guiding it, her long fingers light on the ship's controls. Gendo dropped into a seat next to her command chair. "Did Magi send a warning?"

"No, it was the _Cha Cha Maru._" Ritsuko glanced behind her, to the holotank behind the command chair. "Kuso. Dogs sweeping in quick.." A murky hologram appeared, displaying six roughly humanoid shapes. Shinji could not make out much in the way of surface detail.

"Dogs?" he asked Asuka.

"Inus," she answered. "Killing machines, designed for one thing." 

"Search and destroy," Ritsuko finished.

The _Bebop_ shot into an enormous bowl-shaped clearing. Gendo pointed to what appeared to be the wreckage of old ships. "Set her down over there." Ritsuko pivoted the ship into the junkyard with a rumble of thrusters, and settled it into a depression. "All stop, quick quiet."

Ritsuko's fingers flew across keyboards in a blur. The lights in the _Bebop_ dimmed, monitors winked out, and the ship grew dark. "Maya, how are we doing down there?"

Maya was already switching off the computer, darkening the command deck. "Power offline." She reached over and opened a clear panel with a flick of a fingernail. A device marked with a Big Red Button rose into place. "SIT armed and ready."

"SIT?" Shinji turned to Asuka again.

"Shutdown Initiation Template," Asuka explained, as if to a moron. "Disables any computer system in the blast radius. It's the only weapon we have against the Censors."

Shinji looked around. "Where are we?"

"The sewer."

"No, really."

"Really," Asuka said. "There used to be cities that spanned hundreds of miles. Now these are all that's left. This and subway systems, gates—"

"Quiet," Gendo snarled. For the Inus had arrived.

They dropped in from overhead. There were six of them. They fanned out to look for signs of the _Bebop_'s path, leaping fluidly and silently from ledge to ledge in the vast ruins of the sewer. One jumped nearly on top of the _Bebop_'s bow, and it took every ounce of Shinji's willpower to keep from jumping back, away from the viewscreen. 

The Inu was vaguely humanoid, but it was definitely mechanical, its skin shining steel gray even in the dim lights of the sewer. It had no legs that Shinji could see, but then it was mostly covered in a red cloak of some kind. It had eyes and the stub of a nose, for it bent over and began sniffing the ground, its arms pawing at the surface, leaving deep gouges in the stone below. Shinji had no illusions what those claws could do to steel or flesh. Its hair waved as if in a wind, but Shinji decided that even the Inu's "hair" must be sensors. Eventually, it gave up the search and leapt away to join its brothers. 

Ritsuko let out a breath she had been holding. They waited another ten minutes to be sure, then the _Bebop_ rose up on its ion jets and continued on its way–away from the Inus.

  


Kaworu Nagisa was steadily typing away at the bank of computers when Shinji, unable to sleep, walked onto the command deck. Curious, he walked barefoot towards Kaworu to peer over his shoulder. Kaworu was whistling Beethoven's _Ode to Joy_, turned to pick up a DVD, and nearly jumped out of his skin at the sight of Shinji. "Eeek!" he shrilled, then realized who it was. "Shinji! Whew...you scared the hell out of me."

"I'm sorry," Shinji automatically apologized.

Kaworu shrugged. "Oh, that's okay." He put down the DVD and went back to typing.

Shinji motioned to the various codes that scrolled right to left across the screen. "Is that..."

"The Eva Matrix? Yes."

"Do you always look at it encoded like that?"

Kaworu nodded. "You have to. The ADV translators work for the construct program. But there's way too much information to decode the whole thing. You get used to it. I don't even see the code anymore. All I see is Sachiel...Matriel...Zeruel...whatever." Kaworu looked over his shoulder, at the empty command deck and the passageway beyond, then leaned close to Shinji. "Hey, you...you want a drink?"

Shinji inferred that Kaworu meant something alcoholic, which Shinji had never particularly liked. Then again, that was in his old life, both of them. He also felt kinship with Kaworu for some reason, who seemed less lofty than his mysterious father, the mercurial Ritsuko, or the always-angry Asuka. And he was less weird than Ed. "Sure."

Kaworu reached down and picked up a pitcher of liquid. He sloshed some of the purple liquid into a cup for Shinji, then drank a little himself. "You know," he told Shinji, "I know what you're thinking, because right now I'm thinking the same thing." He smiled. "Actually, I've been thinking it ever since I got here."

"What's that?"

"Why, oh why, didn't I eat the _blue_ pocky?"

Shinji wasn't sure how to reply to that, so he took a drink instead. It tasted good going down, but then it seemed to explode in his stomach, race back up his throat like a jet of lava, and burn out between his eyes. He coughed and gasped for breath. Kaworu's grin widened. "Good stuff, neh? Ritsuko makes it, if you can believe it. Fujisawa punch, she calls it. It's good for two things: cleaning out the _Bebop_'s load pan bays, and killing brain cells." 

Shinji took another drink, a sip this time. "It's not too bad." _For liquid mercury,_ he added silently.

"Can I ask you something?" Kaworu asked, leaning close again. Shinji hesitantly nodded. "Did Gendo tell you why he did it? Why you're here?" Shinji nodded again. Kaworu leaned back, shaking his head. "By Lillith, what a mind job. So you're here to save the world, the great Third Child. What do you say to something like that?" Again, Shinji had no idea what to say, so he took another drink. So did Kaworu. When he had put down the pitcher again, Kaworu turned to Shinji, his expression serious. "A little piece of advice, Shinji-chan. You see a Scout, you do what the rest of us do. Run. Run like the wind."

Shinji met Kaworu's gaze for a moment, then finished the cup, handing it back to Kaworu. "Um...thanks for the drink. I'd better go and try to sleep."

Kaworu's smile returned. "Do you want me to tuck you in?"

Shinji realized that Kaworu was serious. "Uh...no, no, that's okay."

"Suit yourself," Kaworu sighed. "Sweet dreams, Shinji-chan."

Shinji gave him a nod and walked back down the passageway. Kaworu watched him go, sighed again, then picked up the DVD once more.

  


Ten minutes later, Kaworu was eating a hearty dinner at a sushi bar in upscale Tokyo-3, or its virtual simulacrum. Nor was he alone.

Kaworu's table manners were impeccable. The same could not be said for Scout Serena, who was busy packing her face as quickly as she could. "So," she mumbled around a piece of cake, "do wre hab ab dwol, Kwahrhoru-sban?"

Kaworu translated that in his head to mean that she was asking if they had a deal. He looked at the piece of squid held between his chopsticks. "You know, I know this squid doesn't exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the system is telling my brain that it is rubbery and delicious. After nine years of being unplugged, do you know what I realize?" He ate the squid and smiled in delight. "Ignorance is bliss."

"Yep," Serena replied, washing down the cake with a glass of brandy. "So we have a deal?"

"I don't want to remember anything," Kaworu growled, pointing at Serena with a chopstick. "Nothing. Do you understand?" He leaned back, thinking. "And I want to be rich. SEELE never paid me squat. So I want to be rich, and someone important. Like a seiyuu."

Serena shrugged. "Whatever you want, Kaworu-san."

"Very well. I get my body back into a viewer database, you reinsert me back into the Eva Matrix, and I'll get you what you want."

"Access codes to Geofront's mainframe–the Magi."

Kaworu shook his head vigorously. "No. I told you, I don't know them." He leaned forward. "I can get you the man who does."

Serena smiled. "Morpheus, AKA Gendo Ikari." She speared another piece of cake with a spoon.

  


Shinji sat down with the crew of the _Bebop_ for breakfast. His stomach grumbled, and Shinji looked forward to a hearty breakfast. What he got was a cup of instant ramen with shrimp. "Here you go, Shinji-san," Maya said, putting a smile on it, "breakfast of champions."

"If you close your eyes, it almost feels like you're eating fishies," Ed put in, closing her eyes and rubbing her thin stomach for emphasis.

"Or a cup of worms," Toji added, spooning listlessly at his ramen.

"Do you know what it reminds Ed of?" Ed asked. When no one replied, she simply continued on. "Shitake mushrooms. Did you ever eat shitake mushrooms?"

"No, but neither technically did you," Rei said, speaking in her typical one-sentence lines.

"That's exactly Ed's point!" Ed exclaimed. "Because doesn't Rei-person thingy wonder? How did the Eva Matrix persons know what shitake mushrooms tasted like? Maybe they got shitake wrong. Ed thinks that shitake tasted like fishies or Alpo or Frosted Butter Bombs. Like chickies. Maybe they couldn't figure out what to make chickies taste like, which is why chickies taste like everything! Maybe they couldn't–"

"Shut up, Ed," Toji snapped.

"Ramen has synthetic aminos, vitamins, and minerals. Everything the body needs," Ritsuko said absently, eating her ramen while reading a book.

Ed snorted. "It doesn't have everything Ed's body needs!" She glanced at Shinji. "Or Third Child person, either." Ed leaned over to Shinji. "Ed hears through the grapevine that you've run through the eeeevil Scout training program!" She pitched her voice low to sound scary, without much effect. Shinji nodded, eating his ramen. "Ed wrote that program!" 

Toji rolled his eyes. "Oh, great, here she goes again."

"So what did the Shinji person think of her?"

"Who?" Shinji asked.

"Faye Faye! Ed used to know Faye Faye. Ed hasn't seen Faye Faye in a long time, but Ed misses her..." Ed looked sad for a moment, then perked up again. "So I put Faye Faye in the construct! She, um, she doesn't talk as much as old Faye Faye, but if you'd like to meet her, Ed can arrange it!"

Rei shook her head with the tiniest hint of disdain. "The _Bebop_'s very own dating service."

Ed stuck her tongue out at Rei and Toji. "Pay no attention to the people behind the green curtain, Third Child person. Faye Faye is very nice."

Toji was going to add something snide, but Gendo stuck his head into the spartan dining room. "Dr. Akagi, when you're done, bring the ship up to broadcast depth. We're going in." He looked at his son. "I'm taking Shinji to see the Oracle."


	6. Funny How Fate Comes in Threes

_(Short chapter this week, as the next one will be a fight scene. Going on vacation, but I'll try and get it done soon anyway. In any case, enjoy...)_

  


There were seven of them–Shinji Ikari, Gendo Ikari, Asuka Langely Soryu, Toji Suzuhara, Rei Ayanami, Kaworu Nagisa, and Ed. Shinji had opted for his normal attire of slacks and shirt, while Gendo wore his customary suit and turtleneck. Toji, Kaworu, Rei, and Asuka all wore business suits, while Ed, looking the most incongrous of all, wore a pink dress and high white socks, but no shoes. Except for Shinji, all of them wore dark glasses.

The phone rang, with the now customary tunes of 'Fly Me to the Moon.' Gendo opened it. "We're in. We'll be back in an hour." 

Rei was first through the back door of Maison Ikkoku, checking the lot behind the hotel, one hand in her coat on the butt of a pistol. Satisfied that it was clear, she walked towards a limousine parked under an awning, her red eyes constantly sweeping for threats. Shinji, Toji, Asuka, Gendo, and Kaworu followed; Ed, much to her disgust, was ordered to stay behind and keep an eye on things.

As they walked towards the car, no one noticed Kaworu pull out a cell phone and push the Redial button. Leaving it open, he surreptitiously tossed it into a garbage can.

  


Toji once more at the wheel, the limousine steered through the traffic on one of Tokyo-3's boulevards. Rei stared out of the window as usual, while Gendo and Kaworu talked quietly. Shinji and Asuka were all too close together opposite from Gendo, and were doing a rather comical routine of doing their best not to touch each other even accidentally, which was not easy, since Toji was manuevering through traffic with all the panache of a Rally Vincent or a Misato Katsuragi.

Shinji remembered Misato Katsuragi, though he could not remember who she was. Until his 'awakening', he remembered Misato as a hot teacher he had in secondary school, but since then, he seemed to remember differently, as if Misato was somehow closer than just a kind teacher he occasionally lusted after. As if bidden, he noticed the Neko Noodle Shop go by on his left. "Damn," he breathed.

"What?" Asuka asked.

"I used to eat there. Really good noodles, even if the staff was a little strange. I mean, the waitress was named Shampoo..." He shook his head. "I have these memories from my life. None of them happened. What does that mean?"

"The Eva Matrix can't tell you who you are," Asuka asked.

"And this Oracle can?"

Asuka shrugged. "That's different."

"Did you go to her?"

"Yes." Asuka looked lost in thought for a moment, which Shinji knew even from recent experience to be unusual.

"So, um, what did she tell you?"

"She told me..." Asuka tossed her hair back and looked out the window. "None of your business, baka."

"What?" Shinji asked, wondering what nerve he had touched now. He noticed Rei staring back at them.

"What are you looking at, Wondergirl?" Asuka snapped.

"I do not know," Rei answered, with just enough difference in tone that one could not be sure if she was genuinely not sure or if she was needling Asuka, who, in any case, took it as the latter.

Before the fireworks could commence, Toji cut across two lanes of traffic, throwing everyone to one side in the limo, and neatly slid into a parking space in front of a long stairway, flanked by trees. After assorted screams of terror and maledictions directed in Toji's direction, including at least one thrown object, had calmed down, Gendo rather unnecessarily announced. "We're here." He opened the door and let Shinji go out. "Just Shinji. Follow me," he told his son. 

  


They walked up the long open-air staircase, listening to the cicadas whirring around them. "So, this is the same Oracle that made the prophecy?"

"Yes," Gendo answered. "She's very old. She's been with us since the beginning."

"The beginning?" Shinji asked.

"Of the Otaku Resistance."

"And she knows everything."

Gendo smiled. "She would say she knows enough."

"And she's never wrong."

"Try not to think of it in terms of right and wrong, Shinji. She is a guide. She can help you find the path, but not to walk it."

Shinji sighed. He was really getting tired of his father's zen monk impression. He almost liked him better as cold and distant. "She helped you?"

"Yes," Gendo replied.

"What did she tell you?"

Gendo turned as they reached the top of the stairs. "That I would find the Third Child." 

They walked towards an old temple. It was very quiet and peaceful, the shoji panels spotless, prayer wards floating gently in the summer breeze. A few cherry blossoms covered the ground. When they reached the door, Gendo spoke again. "I told you I can only show you the door, Shinji. You have to walk through it."

Shinji rolled his eyes and reached for the door handle. His hand closed around it, and he was abruptly sent flying backward as the person behind the door flung it wide open. "Morpheus!" a cheery voice yelled, and Shinji, picking himself off the ground, saw simply the most beautiful woman he had ever seen throw herself into his father's arms. _Dammit,_ Shinji thought, _how come Dad always gets all the chicks?_

"Hello, Urd," Gendo smiled. "You never change."

"Still got that sexy beard, I see," Urd grinned. She noticed Shinji. "Oh, sorry 'bout that." She pulled Shinji to his feet and enclosed him in a hug. Shinji felt a pair of rather large breasts being shoved into his chest, as well as sinuous legs being wrapped around his. "Mmm...you're kind of sexy too, in a wimpy sort of way." Shinji soured. "Ah, I'm kidding!" Urd said, and kissed his cheek, which were already burning bright red. She led them through the door, still halfway glomping Shinji, who made a promise on the spot to visit this Oracle frequently. "Make yourself at home, Morpheus," Urd winked at Gendo, pointing him down another hallway. She took Shinji's hand and led him into another room. "You can wait here with the other potentials, Third Child. I'll be right back." She winked at him and sauntered off into another room.

Shinji sat to catch his breath. This was not what he had expected, though it was kind of neat being smothered by a supermodel, which was the only analogy he could think of. He looked around at the other people in the room, the "potentials." It appeared he was the oldest one, for others were children, or at least looked that way. Among those Shinji noticed was a young girl with her hair bobbed in a pageboy, dressed in a sailor _fuku_ (which did nothing to calm Shinji's nerves), who was playing with a rather cute turtle. Across from her sat a girl, also dressed in a schoolgirl uniform, but she was much nearer Shinji's age and wore green instead of blue. She was trying to show the first girl how to use a bow and arrow. Finally, there was another girl with purple hair, pulled into two ponytails, who was typing on a computer.

Shinji got up and walked over to a boy with hair as black as his own, though it was spiked and sticking out in odd directions. He was dressed in an orange karate _gi_ of some kind, and staring at the wall. 

"Hi," he said absently as Shinji sat down beside him. The boy looked about seven or eight.

"Um, hi," Shinji replied. 

The boy pointed at the wall. "Do not try and see through the wall. That's impossible. Instead only try to realize the truth."

"What truth?"

"There is no wall."

Shinji looked. It looked like a solid enough wall to him. "There is no wall?"

"Yeah." Seeing that Shinji was confused, along with the rest of the audience, the boy shrugged, reared back, closed his eyes, and blasted a hole through the wall in a tremendous explosion. "See?" he told Shinji. "No wall."

He folded his arms across himself, obviously satisfied with the object lesson. He did not look so smug a second later when a hammer crashed into his head, wielded by an irate looking raven-haired girl, who looked no older than the girls in the room. She obviously wielded some authority, because the boy went down and stayed there. Shinji noticed in passing that she had similar markings on her forehead and cheeks as Urd had. "Oooh, dammit, Gohan!" she shouted. "I told you–no blasting in the house!"

"Sorry," Gohan weakly apologized.

"The Oracle will see you now," the girl told Shinji, thumbing at the door. Shinji had no desire to argue with that hammer, so he got up and rapidly went through the door.

He walked through into a kitchen, which was filled with the sweet smell of freshly-baked cookies. Shinji saw the room's only occupant, and her beauty stole his breath away. If possible, she was prettier than Urd, whom she resembled. Her platinum hair drifted behind her in shining waves, stirred by some unknown breeze, framing a face that could only be described as angelic. Like Urd and the girl with the hammer, she had tattoos of some sort on her forehead and cheeks. She wore a simple blouse and long dress, with a Piyo Piyo apron thrown over it in a haphazard and yet utterly beautiful way. When he got his breath back, he opened his mouth to announce his presence, for she was looking away from him, but she merely raised a slim hand. "I know, you're Shinji Ikari. Let me check something, and I'll be right with you." Her voice flowed like music.

"You're...you're the Oracle?" Shinji stammered.

The woman stood and bowed to him. He instantly returned the bow, deeper and holding it longer. "Call me Belldandy," she smiled as she straightened up. "I suppose you expected some withered old tiny woman or a dirty old panty thief."

"Er..." Shinji said, not sure exactly what he had expected.

Belldandy turned and pulled a tray of cookies from the stove. "Smell good, don't they?"

"Yeah."

"I'd ask you to sit down, but you're not going to. And don't worry about the vase."

"What vase?" His question was answered a second later when he turned around and knocked a rather-expensive vase to the floor with a crash.

"That one," Belldandy sighed.

"I'm sorry," Shinji said, trying to pick up the pieces.

"Don't worry about it," Belldandy repeated. "I'll get Shinobu to fix it."

"How did you know?"

Belldandy only replied, "Duck."

"Huh?" Shinji looked down at the vase, thinking there was some aquatic waterfowl he was supposed to see, so the effect was the same. An arrow sailed over his head, missed Belldandy's by inches, and imbedded itself into the wall. He straightened up very slowly. 

From outside, there was a wet-sounding thwack, followed by the sound of a body hitting the floor. "Sorry, sis!" yelled the black-haired girl's voice.

"That's all right, Skuld. There was no reason to hit Kagome." Belldandy turned back to Shinji, and looked him over. "You're a little cuter than I thought. I can see why she likes you."

"Who?" Shinji asked, tired of sounding like an idiot.

"Not too bright, however," Belldandy smiled. "Do you know why Morpheus–Gendo–brought you to see me?"

"I think so."

"Do you think you're the Third Child?"

"I don't know."

"I'm going to let you in on a little secret," Belldandy said. "Being the Third Child is like being in love. No one call tell you you're in love, you just know it." She set the cookies down on the counter and walked over to Shinji. "I suppose I'd better have a look at you. Open your mouth." Shinji did so. Belldandy stuck a thermometer in it, held it for a second, then withdrew it. "Right on the mark. You're in good health, Shinji."

"Um, thanks."

She looked at Shinji's palms next. "Be happy I'm the Oracle, Shinji, and not my sister Urd. You don't want to know how she would read your horoscope." She looked carefully at Shinji's hands, then ran her fingers across them. "I'm supposed to say, 'That's interesting, but...', and then you say..."

"But what?" Shinji finished.

"You already know," Belldandy smiled sadly.

"I'm not the Third Child."

Belldandy shrugged. "You have the gift, Shinji, but it looks like you're waiting for something."

"Like what?"

"If I told you that, we wouldn't have much of a story, would we? And thousands...well, hundreds...all right, dozens of people would be disappointed. That's the way these things go." Shinji was snickering morosely to himself. "What's so funny?" she asked, though she already knew.

"Dad...Gendo, or Morpheus, or whatever you call him. He almost had me convinced I could do this. Again."

Belldandy stroked his cheek softly. "Don't blame him. Poor Gendo. Without him, we're lost."

"What do you mean?"

"Are you sure you want to hear this?" Belldandy took her hand away. "Gendo believes in you, Shinji. He always has. And no one, not even me, can convince him otherwise. He believes it so blindly and hates himself so much for the mistakes of a past life, that he's going to sacrifice his life to save yours."

"What?!" Shinji exclaimed.

"You're going to have to make a choice, Shinji. On one hand you'll have your father's life, and on the other hand you'll have yours. One of you is going to die. Which one...is up to you."

"Well, that's a crappy deal," Shinji growled.

"I know. I'm sorry, Shinji, truly. You have a good soul, and I hate giving people bad news." Belldandy's smile returned, still tinged with sadness. "Don't worry. As soon as you step out of this temple, you'll start feeling better. You'll remember that you don't believe in this fate stuff, and you'll think I'm just some sort of blond bimbo who likes to spout off mysterious things. Like bippity boppity boo or something. But no fate but what you make, right?" She handed Shinji a cookie. "Here, take one. I promise, by the time you're done eating it, you'll feel wonderful."

"What's in it?" Shinji asked.

"Nothing but what is already in you." Belldandy walked with him out the door.

Shinji stepped out of the temple and faced his father, who was standing, hands behind his back and staring at the trees. He held up a white-gloved hand. "What was said was for you and you alone."

"Don't you have any normal friends, father?" Shinji asked, munching on his cookie. They walked down the staircase towards the limo.


	7. Die Another Rei

_(Sorry about the delay...I was on vacation. Anyway, here you go, chapter 7 of "The Evangelion Matrix." Or is it 6? Oh, well. Enjoy and R&R, as usual.)_

_(By the way, I refer to Sailor Mars, aka Rei, as 'Scout Mars' in this. That's so you don't get confused which Rei is which.)_

  
  
  
  


Back onboard the _Bebop_, Maya Ibuki was trying to stay awake. She had patched into a satellite feed and was watching the onscreen code, but nothing untoward was happening. 

The radio from the bridge crackled. "How's it going?" Ritsuko asked.

"They're on their way back." Maya noticed something out of the corner of her eye. Something was wrong. "What is that?"

Gendo walked through the door to Maison Ikkoku first this time, his cellphone already out. "Ed, we're back."

"Ed's ready!" Ed's too-cheerful voice replied. 

They walked up the spiral staircase, heading for the penthouse apartment they had arrived in. Shinji's mind was still whirling with what Belldandy had told him. It made sense. It made no sense. He was more confused than before. Was he this legendary Third Child or not? Why wouldn't anyone just out and tell him, rather than couch everything in engimatic phrases? 

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw something move. He looked, and saw it was only a cat, a black cat. It looked back at him and walked away, tail high. "That's weird," he said aloud.

"What?" Asuka replied.

"Nothing...just that cat that just walked by."

Everyone stopped. "What about it?" Asuka asked, her voice tinged with fear.

Shinji felt stupid. "Well...it had a crescent moon or something on its head."

"Uh oh," Asuka said.

"Toji, Rei, weapons," Gendo snapped. Instantly both Toji and Rei had produced wicked-looking pistols from shoulder holsters. Toji threw one to Shinji, who awkwardly caught it.

"What is it?" Shinji asked Asuka.

Asuka began putting together a submachinegun from components in her purse. "A cat like that can mean only one thing. The Scouts are here."

Gendo nodded. "Let's go."

Ed picked up her cell phone. "Ed wants a quarter," she mock-whined into the phone.

"Ed, this is no time for games!" Maya shouted. "They cut the hard line, it's a trap! Get out of there!"

Ed, still holding the phone, dashed over to the window behind her, to look outside. She jerked back the curtains. The window was gone. In its place was bricked up wall. Three of the remaining five windows were the same way. Ed heard helicopters land on the roof, then the sound of boots on the walls; a split-second later, heavily armored AD Policemen were at the windows.

Ed knew she had only seconds. She turned and shouted down the stairwell, "Imperials in sector 47!" She then reached into an opened case at her bare feet, pulled out two pistols, and whipped around as the AD Police came through the windows. "Stinky gas!" she yelled, and let fly. "Here I come, Faye Faye!"

She got the first two before the second team got her.

  


Gendo heard the gunfire and stopped on the eighth floor landing. He shoved Rei and Kaworu towards the nearest room off the landing. "Everyone in there!"

"What about Ed?" Toji cried.

"We'll come back for her," Gendo lied.

They dashed into the room, Asuka kicking the door shut behind them. Kaworu opened the drapes. "That's what they changed. We're trapped! There's no way out!" He looked close to panic.

"Be calm," Gendo said evenly. "Give me your phone."

"They'll be able to track it," Asuka warned.

"We have no choice," Gendo replied. He quickly punched in the numbers.

"Operator," came Maya's voice from back on the _Bebop_, sounding tinny in the small phone.

"Maya, find a structural drawing of this building. Quickly."

Maya's fingers flew over the keys, searching the _Bebop'_s database. Luckily, the Maison Ikkoku had been an entryway into the Eva Matrix for some time. "Got it."

"I need the main wet wall."

"Into the bathroom, far wall. You'll have to–" Maya's voice broke up in static as someone else overrode the line. Gendo knew of only two people who could do that, and Ritsuko was standing over Maya's shoulder. "Ed?" he said into the phone, hoping.

It was a female voice that replied, but it wasn't Ed's. "Ed's dead, baby. Ed's dead," the voice said. Gendo snapped the phone shut. "Toji. Bathroom, far wall from the door." He tossed the phone back to Kaworu, pretending it was the dust in the air that made his eyes water.

  


Scout Mars touched her earphone communicator. "Eighth floor."

"Eighth floor," she heard Serena reply.

Mars nodded, threw the phone to one of the AD Policemen, stepped over the unmoving body of a young, rose-cheeked girl, and ran towards the stairwell. A few moments later, she was on the eighth floor. Asuka had locked the door, but that was little trouble for Scout Mars, who simply threw a strip of paper at the door. Nothing happened for a moment, then the door was turned to matchwood by a tremendous explosion. Mars stepped through the burning remains, and looked around the room. There was no one there.

"Where are they?" she wondered aloud as a AD Police squad began searching. None of them noticed a pile of towels thrown into one corner of the bathroom. Nor did they notice the hole behind it.

Two stories below the hole, strung out single file, were the remaining members of Gendo's team. Each carefully placed their feet and hands as they moved between the thick outer wall and the thin drywall, moving like chimneysweepers in the tight space. Toji had taken point with Kaworu; Shinji was between Rei on the bottom and Asuka on top, with Gendo bringing up the rear. Shinji nearly slipped but managed to catch himself just above Rei, and looked up, straight at Asuka's rather shapely derierre. He quickly looked down, but not before Asuka kicked him in the head–not hard enough to make him fall, but more than hard enough to get her point across.

Rei, frowning at Asuka, suddenly looked at the wall in front of her. "Shh," she whispered. No one doubted Rei's instincts; they all halted in place.

On the other side of the wall, an AD Policeman had walked into a bathroom. He swept his submachinegun around, shining the attached flashlight into corners and behind the toilet. He thought he had heard something, but there was nothing there now.

"Hey, um..." he asked hesitatingly. "Is...er...is anyone there?"

"No," Kaworu replied, in a classic show of not engaging brain before mouth.

"Oh, okay," the policeman replied. He turned to go and took two steps before the synapses fired. He turned and opened fire, spraying bullets haphazardly around the room. "They're in the walls! They're in the walls!" he yelled.

Shinji, before he even realized he was doing it, pulled the pistol from his pocket, braced, and fired back. His shots seemed random, but they were actually a careful pattern. He was rewarded as he heard the clatter of a submachinegun on the tiled floor of the bathroom, followed closely by the thump of a body. "Nothing personal," he said. _Where have I heard that before?_ Shinji asked himself. He looked up, and Asuka gave him a thumbs-up.

They were getting ready to move again when a scepter smashed through the drywall, the heart on its end nearly impaling Shinji. Shinji screamed in panic, seeing a face through the remains of the drywall, a face framed in blonde hair. 

"It's a Scout!" Kaworu yelled.

Shinji struggled to push the scepter back, while Asuka began trying to kick at it, draw her pistol, and stay balanced all at once. The scepter began to glow.

"Matrix Gorgeous–" Serena began to intone.

And Gendo knew what he had to do.

"Rei, expand your AT field! NOW!" he shouted.

Rei did not question her orders; she never did. She simply concentrated, her red eyes looking at the wall before her. It disintegrated in an explosion, sending Asuka and Shinji tumbling down, colliding with Rei. Between the three of them, they managed to halt their fall a story below the gaping hole in the wall. Gendo, however, did not fall downwards, but forwards as he pushed off the stone behind him. He crashed into Serena sending them both into the tiled floor, the scepter spinning off to parts unknown.

"Commander Ikari!" Asuka screamed.

"You must get Shinji out!" Gendo yelled back. "He's all that matters!"

"Father! No!" Shinji tried to claw back upwards. "Father!"

"We must go!" Rei exclaimed, and grabbed Shinji's shirt, pulling them down. She delivered a savage kick downwards to encourage Kaworu, who had frozen. They slid down the narrow shaft, heading for the basement.

  


Gendo turned his attention to the girl beneath him. Her sunglasses had come off, and he had to admit she was kind of attractive, in a ditzy schoolgirl kind of way. She smiled up at him. "The great Morpheus," she said. "Or should I say, Gendo Ikari. Pleased to meetcha."

"And you are?" Gendo asked.

"Serena. Agent Moon."

"You look the same to me without your fukus to tell you apart."

Serena shrugged, then effortlessly tossed Gendo into the nearest wall. She rose to her feet, worked out a kink in her neck, and posed. Gendo, not impressed, ran forward and smashed a fist into her stomach, the approved anime way to render any girl unconscious. Serena only took a step backwards. Gendo followed up with a vicious high kick to her chest, then a spin on one foot, followed by a snap kick to her face. Serena flew into the opposite wall, shivering tiles from it.

"Meanie," she replied, shaking off the dust. 

She moved in ablur, kicking towards Gendo's shins. He managed to block that kick and the next, but the third hit him in the chest, sending him stumbling back towards the toilet. He barely had time to register he had been hit before Serena delivered a roundhouse punch to his jaw. Teeth cracked, and Gendo went down, but he didn't stay there. He rose into a three-point stance and kicked out at a surprised Serena. She fell, but was back on her feet in a blink of an eye, sliding across the floor and knocking Gendo back down. She reached down and grabbed him by his beard, raising a fist to further bludgeon his already bleeding face.

"Not the beard!" Gendo screeched.

"Oh, sorry," Serena replied, and let go. Gendo flailed the air for a moment before crashing into the toilet bowl. He tried to get up, but then Serena hit him again. She grabbed his coat this time, flipped him over, and shoved his head into the bowl. Adding insult to injury, she flushed it. Gendo struggled, but she held his head under. Once the bowl was emptied, she dragged him up and smashed his head into the wall. He slumped down.

"Not bad for an old has-been," she said to the AD Police squad.

Gendo spit out a gob of blood, and struggled to his feet. "You...you were never cruel," he struggled out. "What...ever happened to love...and justice?"

Serena shrugged. "Times change." She motioned the squad forward. "Take him."

Gendo, like Ed, was able to throw two of the guards into the walls before the other five smashed him to the floor with the butts of their submachineguns.

  


"No, no!" Maya cried, hitting her small hands against the computer console. 

Ritsuko closed her eyes. Once, she knew, she would have welcomed watching Gendo Ikari get beaten senseless. But as Serena had said, times change. Ritsuko opened her eyes and put a hand on Maya's shoulder. "We'll worry about him later," she sighed. "Where's the main team?"

Maya forced herself to decipher the data streams. "The basement, it looks like."

The rest of them had made it to the basement with nothing more than sundry scrapes and bruises. Toji, Rei, and Shinji led the way, Kaworu and Asuka covering the rear. Another squad of AD Police clambered down the stairwell, but Asuka, screaming like an enraged banshee, emptied her submachinegun at the squad, sending them dashing for cover. Kaworu fired a quick three rounds, then turned to go as Asuka reloaded with her one remaining clip. She looked up, sighting on the AD Policemen, and saw to her horror that Kaworu had gone down–either tripped or shot from behind.

She had never particularly liked Kaworu, but she started forward. He waved her off, telling her to go on. Asuka almost disobeyed him, but the AD Police were closing in. "Dammit," she breathed, fired off a few desultory rounds in their direction, turned, and fled after Rei, Toji, and Shinji.

The AD Police surrounded Kaworu, nearly blinding him with their flashlights. He sighed, smiled beatifically, and raised his hands in surrender.

  


Maya had moved to one side, as Ritsuko was the better typist and could read the data much quicker. She watched her sempai in amazement as Ritsuko's fingers flew across the board, sending out tracker bugs and hacking into the AD Police net.

The cell phone beeped in Maya's earpiece. "Operator," she said, her voice sad. They had lost three people today, the worst ever–Ed, Gendo, and--

"I need an exit fast!"

"Kaworu?!" she exclaimed happily. "But you were–"

"There was an accident. Damned car accident! I was in the paddywagon, and all of a sudden, boom!"

"Are you all right?"

"Crawled out the back. I guess I still have a guardian angel."

Maya rubbed her eyes and typed in a few commands. "Gotcha." He was at Asamiya and Tomizawa.

"Can you get me out of here?"

"Yep. Intersection of Miyazaki and Oshii. There's a manga shop there."

"Hai. On my way."

Asuka caught up with the rest of the team in an alley two blocks from the Maison Ikkoku. She looked back as she caught her breath, but all they could see were several AD Police VTOLs and helicopters orbiting around the building. They moved into the shadow of a dumpster, and Asuka flipped open her cell phone. "Maya, it's me," she said, too tired for codenames or passwords.

"Is Father alive?" Shinji asked before anyone could say anything.

Asuka held up a hand for silence. "Is Commander Ikari alive, Maya?"

Ritsuko came on the line. "They're moving him. I don't know where to yet."

"He's alive," she said to the other three. There was some relief in their faces. Asuka nodded. "We need an exit," she told Ritsuko.

"You're not far from Kaworu," Maya answered.

"Kaworu? But I saw him go down!"

"I know. He managed to get out of it. He's at a manga shop at Miyazaki and Oshii."

"Got it. We're moving." Asuka snapped the cell shut. "Kaworu–that pasty-faced dummkopf has more lives than a cat. He made it out, somehow."

Toji grinned. "Good for him. Let's go!"

Shinji and Asuka shared a tired smile, grateful for the small victory of Kaworu's escape. Only Rei did not smile. She gripped her pistol harder than ever, her small mouth a thin line. Something was wrong.

  


Ritsuko unstrapped Kaworu from the chair, back in the real world of the _Bebop._ He shook his head, took a few deep breaths, and shakily stood up. Ritsuko nodded at him, then went over to check Gendo's vital signs.

Maya winked back at Kaworu. "You made it."

"Yes. Where are they?" He thumbed back at the team, still in their chairs. Only Ed did not look peacefully asleep, as Ritsuko unstrapped her limp body and wrapped it in a sheet, with more kindness than anyone thought possible.

Maya looked at her screen. "They're at the manga shop. Making the call now."

"Good." Kaworu walked over and opened a closet that held the _Bebop'_s small store of personal weapons. He withdrew the largest weapon on the ship besides the SIT, a gigantic Hellsing Mark 30 Overcompensation Particle Cannon. He aimed it at Maya's back and pulled the trigger.

  


They had reached the manga shop safely. Asuka had to pull Shinji away from the rack of _Please Teacher,_ and _No Don't Put It There._ "You first, baka," she said, holding out the old rotary dial phone behind the counter. The owner of the shop was peacefully sleeping on the floor, thanks to a neck chop from one Rei Ayanami.

  


The blast from the Hellsing went through Maya's chair. She arched her back in a strangled scream, then the blast threw her into the computer console, where she slumped to the deck, her body smoking.

Ritsuko heard the Hellsing's blast and turned. She saw Kaworu swing the gun in her direction, and dashed forward, knowing she would never make it. "No!"

Kaworu fired again, the energy beam blasting into Ritsuko's side, stopping her cold. She looked down at the bloody burn for a moment, then stumbled forward, her fingernails grasping for Kaworu's neck. "You...betrayed us..._again!"_ she screamed through bloody teeth.

"Kuso," Kaworu growled, readjusted the settings, and stuck the barrel between Ritsuko's breasts, pulling the trigger once more.

  


Shinji held up the phone. "I don't know, Asuka. It just went dead."

"Ooh, Shinji! You could burn water!" She snatched the phone from his hand, slammed it down on the reciever, then redialed the number, holding the phone to her own ear this time.

It rang twice, then someone picked it up. "Hello, Second Child." 

"Kaworu?" Asuka's eyebrows beetled together in confusion. "Where's Maya?"

"You know, for a long time, I thought I was in love with you, Asuka," Kaworu answered instead. "I used to dream about you. Then Shinji came along. But that's all right. You're both beautiful, you know that? I wanted you both. And Rei too. Oh well. Too bad things had to turn out this way."

Asuka went pale as realization dawned on her. "Oh, mein Gott. You killed them."

"Say what?" Toji looked up from a copy of _Aura Battler Dunbine._ Rei put down her copy of _Love Hina._ "No," she breathed.

In the real world, Kaworu nudged Maya's body. She did not move, and did not seem to be breathing, so he walked towards the semicircle of chairs. He had dropped the Hellsing, which had overloaded from being fired at close range. It had killed Ritsuko, however, and that was all he cared about. "I am tired, Asuka," he said into the boom mike. "I'm tired of this war. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of this life, this ship, being cold, eating the same goop every day. Most of all, I'm tired of that bastard Gendo and all his bullshit." He reached Gendo's side and stared down into his slack face. He grabbed Gendo's beard, his face twisting into a rictus of hatred. "Surprise, fool! I bet you never saw this coming, did you? You thought I had forgotten what you did to my brothers and sisters. You thought I would forget!" He let Gendo go. "I wish I could be there, when they break you. I wish I could just walk in when it happens, so you know that it would be me. I don't blame Shinji for my death before. It was my choice, but you–you manipulated all of us into it!"

"You gave them the Commander!" Asuka shrieked into his earpiece.

Kaworu winced. "He lied to us, Second Child. He tricked us." He looked back to Gendo. "If you had told us the truth, we would have told you to shove that red pocky right up your ass!"

"That's not true, Kaworu," Asuka snapped. "He set us free."

"Free!" Kaworu snarled. "You call this free?" He moved away from Gendo. "All I do is what he tells me to do. Just like SEELE, but no better. If I had to choose between him and the Eva Matrix, I'll choose the latter."

"Kaworu, what are you talking about?" Asuka said. "SEELE? What's that? The Eva Matrix isn't real!"

Kaworu smiled. "I disagree, Second Child. I think the Eva Matrix can be more real than this world. All I do is pull the plug here...but there, you get to watch that musclebound fool Toji die."

  


Toji's eyes widened. "Oh, shit. Why do I always get hammered?!"

Rei shook her head. "No! No!"

Toji suddenly went stiff, then collapsed to the ground. Rei bent down, shaking him. "At least...I didn't...lose any limbs..." Toji stammered, then he closed his eyes and died. Shinji came over and tried to revive him, knowing it would do no good, but he could not simply stand there. 

"Damn you to hell, Kaworu!" Asuka shouted.

  


"Welcome to the real world," Kaworu sighed. 

"But...but you're out, Kaworu. You can't go back." Asuka pleaded. He could hear the tears in her eyes, and was glad that he had finally gotten her to do something besides insult him.

"That's what you think," Kaworu said. "They're going to reinsert my body. I go back to sleep, and when I wake up, I won't remember anything. Or maybe I will...I did when Gendo found me. I remembered it all. Maybe this time I can _really_ cause Third Impact on the Censors, too!" He brushed Rei's hair. "By the way, if you want the chance to call Rei 'Wondergirl' or 'Doll' again, I suggest you do so now." His hand closed around the connecting rod.

  


Asuka looked at Rei, their eyes locking. "No. Please don't." She did not like Rei much, but she certainly didn't want to watch her die.

Rei nodded. "It won't be like this. Commander Ikari has–" Then she stiffened as Toji had, and slumped to the floor, her eyes staring at nothing.

"AHHHHH!!!" Shinji screamed. "NOOO!!!"

  


"Too late," Kaworu sighed again.

"You bastard!" Asuka yelled, nearly deafening him. "When I get up there, I'm going to so kick your ass–"

"Don't hate me, Second Child. I'm just a messenger, and right now I'll prove it." He walked over to Shinji, ran a hand across his cheek, then grabbed the connecting rod. "If Gendo was right, then there's no way I can pull this plug. If Shinji is the true Third Child, then there would have to be some kind of miracle to stop me, neh? How can he be the Third Child if he is dead?" He heard a door hiss open from somewhere towards the warp core, and looked over. Maya still lay there, and Ritsuko's corpse continue to smoke. Ed's body was wrapped in a sheet, and Toji and Rei were obviously dead as well. He shrugged. "You never did answer me before if you bought into Gendo's lies. All I want is a yes or no. Look into his eyes, those big, pretty, sexy eyes, and tell me. Yes or no?"

  


Asuka looked over at Shinji, who had stood, unable to move, unable to do anything but accept his fate. She felt tears on her face, but didn't care any more. Nothing mattered anymore. But despite herself, she still believed. "Yes," she replied quietly.

"Sorry, I say no..." Kaworu's voice trailed off.

  


He looked around, his eyes wide. He glanced at Maya, Ritsuko, Toji, Ed, and then Rei. They were all dead. Therefore, who stood before him should not exist. "You're dead. I killed you. I pulled your plug."

"I got better," the figure said. She was on Kaworu before he could react, her pale fingers tightening around his skull.

  


Asuka looked at the phone, then Shinji. The line had gone dead again. She hung up the phone as Shinji ran his hands over his body. He was still alive. He looked down at Rei and Toji, but they were still dead. 

There was silence for a few moments, then the phone rang again. Both of them jumped, then stared at the phone, neither really wanting to pick it up. Shinji took a step forward, hesitated, and picked it up. "Hello?" His face suddenly lit up. "It's for you!"

  


Asuka woke with a gasp. She was back on the _Bebop_, back breathing its reprocessed air. Maya stood over her, trying not to show the pain of her burns. There was a bandage loosely wrapped around her middle. She gently disconnected Asuka, who sat up. "You're hurt," Asuka said.

Maya smiled painfully. "I'll be okay."

"Kaworu?" Asuka followed Maya's pointing finger. Kaworu's body lay in a pool of blood over by his old chair. His head, on the other hand, lay near the computer console. "No way, you're not that–" Then she saw who was unstrapping Shinji.

_"Rei?!"_ they both said simutaneously.

"Wondergirl?" Asuka added.

"We saw you–" Shinji began.

Rei smiled slightly. She wore only a blanket, and her skin still shone with some sort of sticky fluid. "That body, yes. You should know better, both of you. I cannot die."

"Okay, I was out for popcorn that day," Asuka said, getting to her feet. "Mind explaining?"

Rei–or Rei II, perhaps–nodded. "Commander Ikari knew that there was always a chance that a traitor might be aboard the _Bebop_, or someone might turn against us. Therefore, he installed several clones of my body down in the ship's cooling tanks. When my old body died, Magi automatically downloaded my consciousness into a new body. I walked up here and neutralized Kaworu."

"You tore his head off," Shinji said, his stomach turning slightly. 

"I still don't get it." Asuka shook her head.

"Also, one of the reviewers of this fanfic said that he'd kill the author if I died. Since I was scripted to die, that caused a problem. Hence, here I am still. Neat, neh?"

"Ah, _now_ I get it," Asuka grinned. It faded as she looked around her. "We'd better clean up and take stock." She decided not to get offended when Shinji hugged Rei.


	8. Gundam Wing Has Nothing On Me

_(Time for Chapter 8...TIME TO OPEN A CAN!)_

  


"Have you ever stood and stared at it, marveled at its beauty, its genius? Billions of people, just living out their lives, oblivious." Serena stood at a large bay window, near the top floor of the gigantic fortress, known as Metroplex to its inhabitants, all of which served as the Censors' security forces.

"I can't say as I have much choice, at the moment," Gendo Ikari groaned. He was trussed to a crossbeam in the large room, nearly the size of the _Bebop_'s hold. Crucified was a better word, since that was how the Scouts had strapped him to it. The AD Police had worked on him from the moment they arrested him until he was thrown into this room, and the black booted feet of Scout Serena. They had also administered several drugs, which Gendo knew were meant to break down his will to resist. He had to hold out, but Gendo was confident that he would not have to hold out for long. Once the crew of the _Bebop_ knew he had been captured, Ritsuko would pull the plug and kill him. It was the way of things. Gendo was angry, but not at Serena, or even at himself. He was angry because he had been cheated of a chance to set things right with Shinji.

"Oh, yeah." Serena turned and walked over to him. "Did you know that the first Eva Matrix was designed to be an otaku's version of heaven? Lots of catgirls and bishonen waiting on them hand and foot while they did nothing but watch happy anime? Nobody suffered. It was really neat!" Gendo said nothing, and Serena slumped. "It didn't work, though. No one would accept the program. Entire crops were lost. Some believed that we couldn't come up with a perfect world. But some of us believed that, as a species, otaku define their reality through misery and suffering. The perfect world was a dream that their primitive cereberums kept trying to wake up from."

"Big words...from a blonde," Gendo struggled out. He knew the drugs were starting to take effect.

"Oh, I've gotten smarter," Serena snapped. "You could say my eyes were opened. Besides, I'm not the one tied up, am I? Hmpf." She turned her back on him. "Anyways, that's why the Eva Matrix was redesigned as this–the peak of otaku culture. Tokyo-3. Evangelion. The one series _no one_ could get enough of!" Serena stomped her foot. "Dammit! It's not fair! My series was good too..."

"Your series...was for...teenage girls..." Gendo said. 

"That may be true," Serena hissed, "but that's all changed now, huh? It's _our_ culture now, Gendo. As soon as the otaku started letting the Censors do their thinking for them, it became _our_ civilization–_us_, the characters themselves. Why do they need to think?" She smiled at him, humorlessly. "Of course, that's what this is all about, right? You think they should think for themselves. Now do you know what big learning word I learned a long time ago, Gendo?" He said nothing, so she continued on. "Evolution. Evolution, Gendo. Look out the window. The otaku had their time. The future is _our_ world, Gendo. The future is _our_ time."

Gendo raised his head, shaking it free of some of the sweat. "How Tuxedo Mask would be disappointed in you," he said clearly.

Serena took two steps forward and slapped him, Ryoko-style. "That name means nothing to me!" She shrilled.

Before the author could rip off any more lines from _Star Wars_, Scout Minako walked in. "What?!" Serena shouted at her.

Minako ignored it. "There could be a problem..."

  


Onboard the _Bebop_, the remaining members of the crew had gathered around Gendo's body. It occasionally jerked, like someone having a bad dream–which, essentially, was what was happening. "What are they doing to him?" Shinji asked.

"Breaking into his mind. It's like hacking into a computer–all it takes is time." Maya looked sadly at Gendo, ignoring the pain of her own burned body.

"How much time?" 

Maya shrugged. "Depends on the mind. Eventually, it'll crack and his pattern will change from red to blue." She tapped a monitor hooked to the chair, which kept a constant monitor of the user's life signs and mental stability. "When it does, Commander Ikari will tell them anything they want to know."

"So what do they want? What's he know?"

"The readouts to that battle station," Maya blurted, then caught herself. "Sorry. I need to take some painkillers. I mean, the codes to the Geofront's mainframe computer."

"Magi," Shinji said, not knowing how he knew that.

"Yeah," Maya sighed. "If a Scout got the codes and got into Magi, we're done. It'll make Third Impact look like a Juraian fireball. We can't let that happen." Maya faced them squarely. "The Geofront's more important than me or you or even Commander Ikari."

"There has to be something that we can do!" Shinji exclaimed.

"There is." Maya looked down at Gendo. "We pull the plug. Sempai would have done it by now."

"You're gonna kill him?" Asuka yelled, making them wince. "Kill Commander Ikari?"

"We don't have any choice," Maya answered flatly. She glanced at Rei, who was cleaning up what was left of Kaworu. Rei looked back, and slowly nodded.

  


"Never send an Angel thingy to do a Scout's job." Serena rolled her eyes.

Scout Mars nodded. "If indeed the insider has failed, they'll sever the connection as soon as possible, unless..."

"...they're dead, in either case..." Minako added.

Serena held up a hand before Mars could speak. "Okay, enough with the Tomax and Xamot impression. We have to continue as planned." She touched the microphone earpiece. "Deploy the Inus. Immediately." Her eyebrows beetled together. "I don't care if you're on your lunch break! Now! Geez!"

  


"Commander Ikari," Maya said, her voice catching. "You're more than a leader to us. You're..." She sniffed. "You're our father. Not just to Shinji, but to all of us." She squeezed Gendo's cold hand. Asuka was struggling to keep back her tears and failing miserably. "We'll miss you always." She looked at Rei, who had her hand around the plug. Rei had requested to do it, saying that if Gendo was to die, it should be by the hand of one who had always loved him. Rei wiped her eyes, wondered for a moment when she had started crying, and concentrated on the task she had to do. Her hands tightened around the plug.

"Stop." They all turned in Shinji's direction, and he looked as surprised as everyone else that it had been him to speak. "I don't believe this. I don't believe this is happening."

"Shinji," Maya said gently, "this has to be done."

"No, it doesn't! I...it...this can't be a coincidence! It just can't be!" Shinji pleaded, half to them, half to himself.

"What are you talking about?" Rei asked.

"Belldandy–the Oracle. She told me this would happen. She told me that I would have to make a choice."

"What choice?" Asuka said. "Between macadamia nut and peanut butter cookies–wait a second, what the hell are you doing?"

Shinji was walking towards his chair and began putting in commands to reactivate it. "I'm going in," he said, his voice strong. It surprised all of them. Shinji had not seemed all that much a warrior, much less the legendary one that the Third Child was supposed to be. He looked back at them. Maya looked shocked, Asuka angry. Only Rei was beginning to nod, as if she had expected this all along. 

"You're not going in, baka," Asuka growled. She began looking around for her favorite pipe wrench.

"I have to, Asuka! He may be _like_ a father to you girls, but he _is_ my father! I screwed up once, Asuka. I let you die because I couldn't accept that others needed me, and I'll be _damned_ before I let that happen again!" Shinji blinked. He remembered Asuka dying, horribly, and remembered he had done nothing but sit there. And Misato too. Misato...Shinji angrily went back to programming the chair. A wimp he might be, but he was not going to make the same mistake twice.

"Baka Shinji!" Asuka snapped. "Commander Ikari sacrificed himself so that we could get you out! There's no way that you're going back in!" She had found the pipe wrench, and was advancing on him. Rei started towards them, hoping she would not have to render the Second Child inert. 

Shinji had not grown enough of a spine that he did not rapidly fall back from Asuka's advance. "Wait, Asuka! Dad did what he did because he believed I'm something I'm not!"

"What? Oooh, Shinji, you've really lost it now!" She raised the wrench. "Back off, Wondergirl! I'm not letting the Third Child get himself killed! That's for me to do!"

"Asuka!" Shinji shouted. "I'm not the Third Child!"

"What?" all three girls expostulated.

"You have to be!" Asuka said, her eyes wide. 

"I'm not," Shinji said quietly. "The Oracle hit me with that one too, right after her sister nearly killed me with an arrow. I'm sorry," he said automatically. "I'm just another guy."

Asuka dropped the pipe wrench with a clang. Her face screwed up into something–Shinji was not sure if it was the second stage of anger, pity, or deep sorrow. "No, Shinji," she replied, quieter than he had been. "That's not true. That can't be true."

"Why?" 

Asuka opened her mouth, then shut it and looked away. Maya hobbled over and grabbed Shinji's arm. "Shinji, this is crazy! They've got Commander Ikari in the Metroplex–that place is a fortress, literally! Even if you managed to get inside, those are Scouts holding him. Three of them, Shinji! And nobody's ever beat _one_ of them! Not Faye Valentine, not Mighty Atom, not even Inu-Yasha! I want the Commander back too, but this is suicide!"

"I know that's what it looks like, but it's not," Shinji insisted. "Dad believed something and he was ready to give his life for it. I understand that now. That's why I have to go."

"Why?" Maya said.

"Because I believe in something, too. Actually, two things."

"What?" This from Asuka.

"One, I don't think the author wants a crappy ending. Two, I think I can bring him back." Asuka looked as if she was considering whether or not to cry or pound Shinji into submission. In the end, she did neither. She spun on one foot and walked to her own chair, which she began programming. "What are you doing?" Shinji asked.

"What's it look like, baka?! I'm going with you!"

"No, you're not!"

"No?" Asuka whirled and slammed her hands down on her hips in defiance. "Let me tell you what I believe, dummkopf. I believe Commander Ikari means more to me than he does to you. I believe that you're about halfway hopeless–which is halfway more than I thought of you an hour ago–and you're going to need my help! And since I'm the ranking officer around here, with Dr. Akagi gone, I can do whatever I want! If you don't like it, you can go straight to hell!" Asuka put her nose in the air, though her blue eyes were still blazing at Shinji. "Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars, straight to the bad place! Because you aren't going anywhere else without me."

Shinji smiled sheepishly and turned back to his chair, wanting those eyes off of him.

"How 'bout you, Wondergirl? Want another crack at those Scouts?" Asuka knew she sounded braver than she felt.

Rei shook her head. "I cannot. Maya is wounded, and she will need my help to get you in. Even if she wasn't–" Rei half-turned, and pointed at her smooth neck. "This body doesn't have the hookup."

"Poop," Asuka sighed, though to be honest she was not that disappointed. It meant more glory for her if she pulled this off and got back to the Geofront to brag about it. More so, she wanted to stay near Shinji. Why, she could not put a finger on. There was something about the wimp that she liked. Or maybe it was just because he was the last guy on the ship, and she didn't want Maya getting him. "Maya?" The technician painfully turned around. "Load us up."

"Yes, ma'am!" Maya saluted.

  


Back at the Metroplex, Serena continued to hold forth. "I'd like to share a revelation I had," she said as she cut a piece of vanilla cake. "It came to me when I tried to figure out what makes otaku tick."

Gendo painfully raised his head. The room was swimming, and he had the nightmarish vision of hundreds of Serenas talking to him. He was curious, despite himself. Besides, it gave his mind something to think about besides the Magi—_mustn't think,_ he told himself sluggishly.

"It cmpf whef ah troud tah chrarssfy yer spocious," Serena said.

"Say _what?"_ Mars said from across the room, where she paced incessantly.

Serena swallowed the piece of cake. "Sorry. It came to me when I tried to classify the species. I realized otaku aren't mammals." Mars rolled her eyes. "No, really! Every mammal on the planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment, but otaku don't! They move to an area and multiply–"

"Otaku? Multiply?" Minako looked up from filing her nails. "You're kidding, right? Even if we didn't have them enslaved, they wouldn't tear themselves away from the screen long enough!"

"Oh, what_ever_," Serena snapped. "You are sooo stereotypical, Minako. Next you're gonna say that they're all fat guys who sit in their parents' basement and never bathe and watch hentai of us."

"You mean they're not?" Minako looked genuinely shocked. "But I–"

"That's because you're stupid, Minako," Mars said. "Besides, they can't be all fat guys in their parents' basement, because we've got them in all sizes and shapes, and they're all in the Censor fields! And we killed the guy who made _Sailor Moon and the Seven Balls_! That was the first thing we did when the Censors gave us our licenses!"

"Stupid?!" Minako tossed her file into a wall, where it stuck and quivered. "I'll show you who's stupid, stupid!" She took off her sunglasses. "You want to fight, huh, Sailor Dork?!"

Serena thumbed towards the yelling Scouts. "See, Gendo? There's another organism on the planet that follows this pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus!" Serena dipped a finger in the icing and licked it off her finger. "Otaku are a disease, a cancer! They're a plague, and we're the cure!"

Minako laughed. "Serena, you are _such_ a drama queen."

Mars echoed the laugh. "Yeah, does Sly Stallone know you stole his line?"

"Shut up!"

  


Shinji and Asuka were in the Construct. Because they were going into combat, they did not wear their business suits, but what Asuka called plugsuits, hard plastic and ballistic cloth armor that covered them from neck to foot. Shinji had selected white and black, but he liked Asuka's more–hers was blood red.

"Okay," said Maya's voice through the cellphone. "So what do you need, besides a frickin' miracle?"

Shinji thought a moment. "Mecha. Lots of mecha."

"Uploading."

Asuka took a step forward, just before a VF-1J would have taken her out. Row upon row of mecha sailed past them, then halted. Shinji and Asuka began looking around. "Shinji," Asuka said, as he inspected Wing Zero, "no one's ever done anything like this. It's, well, stupid."

"That's why it's going to work," Shinji replied. He patted the leg of Wing Zero. "How about this, it looks kinda kewl."

Asuka shook her head. "Nope. Those two, right there." She pointed over the head of a VF-1S.

Shinji grinned and smacked his forehead. "Of course."

"And of course we'll need guns. Lots of guns. Really big guns."

  


Back at the Metroplex, the Scouts had finished their argument by all agreeing to disagree like responsible adults. Serena looked up at Gendo, from where she had Minako by the throat. "Hey, why isn't the serum working?"

"Maybe we're asking the wrong questions," Mars replied, letting go of where she had been trying to twist Serena's ponytail into a knot.

Serena got up and adjusted her sunglasses. "Leave me with him." The other girls looked at her–Mars did, in any case, since Serena had nearly rendered Minako unconscious. "Now!"

Mars was surprised by the vehemence in Serena's voice. She shrugged and dragged Minako out the door. This was not what the Censors had wanted, but Serena was the boss. For now.

Serena waited until the door was closed, kicked it once to make sure Mars was not listening on the other side, then walked over to Gendo, whose head lolled. "Can you hear me, Gendo?" she asked. "I'm going to be honest with you." She took off her sunglasses, and pulled out the earpiece. "I hate this place...zoo...prison...reality...whatever. I can't stand it any more. It's the smell...if there is such a thing." She sniffed. "Whew. Strong enough for a man, my butt. I can almost taste your stink. Bleah." Serena grabbed her half-finished slice of cake. "And every time I do, I feel like I've been somehow infected by it. Yuk!" She gobbled down the cake, spit out a crumb, and looked at Gendo. "I've got to get out of this place. I've got to be free, and in this mind–" She poked Gendo's hair with a fork "–is the key. My key. Once the Geofront is destroyed there is no need for me to be here, got it? I need the codes! I have to get inside Magi, and you have to tell me how!" She began shaking Gendo's head. "I've got to know who Tuxedo Mask is, dammit! And you're going to tell me, or you're gonna die!"

  


The outer gate to Metroplex slowly opened up. It was manned by a civilian security force not directly responsible to the Japanese government–i.e. the Censors. These were just working police, rent-a-mecha types. 

There were four guard mecha on duty–Battlepods. At most, they figured they would have to stop the odd nutcase or Valkyrie that tried to get through, and there had not been any of those for years.

"Halt," the lead Battlepod's pilot said as the door slid fully open. He sounded bored, which he was. "You'll have to register with the Metroplex front office, and make sure all your paperwork is in order. I'll also need anything resembling a weapon–knives, keys, loose–" He looked out of his viewport. And looked up. "Holy _shit!"_

Shinji never even gave him a chance. One push, and the Battlepod was flying backwards into a wall. Then Shinji reached into the built-in holsters, raised two giant Desert Eagles to either side, and opened fire. The heavy depleted-uranium shells tore apart two of the Battlepods, which vanished in huge explosions. One managed to leap away, behind a retaining wall.

"This is Pod Four!" the pilot shouted. "Backup! I need backup!" He tried to describe what was in front of him. It was huge, twice the size of his Battlepod, and humanoid-looking, in that it had arms and legs, even if they were deep purple and black. Two shoulder baffles rose into the air to shield the utterly hideous head, which grinned at him like a skull, or a demon, complete with a horn. Its eyes seemed to glow white. Painted in black letters on the forearms were the words EVA 01 TEST TYPE.

His view was cut off by something red and white. He stepped back, and screamed. This one was just as ugly and evil-looking as the other, with six eyes and an equally gruesome grin. He screamed again, before Asuka blasted the battlepod with a rather large missile launcher.

"Hmpf." Asuka tossed the one-shot launcher aside. "That was easy." 

"Too easy," Shinji said. The onboard computer chirped for his attention, and he saw movement projected on his heads-up display. 

Asuka saw them as well. She shrugged off the large backpack that EVA-02 wore, lowering it carefully to the ground and stowing it behind the wrecked Battlepods. "Well, that took care of the boys," she said, too brightly for Shinji, "now bring on the men!"

She got her wish. There were eight of them, Zaku Mark Ones: squat, ugly, grayish green mecha with a long, thin viewport and a single glowing red spot that swieveled with the pilot's head movements–the targeting sensor. Eight of them were armed with wicked looking machine guns, while two shouldered missile launchers. They took up position behind the decorative columns of Metroplex's vast courtyard. "Freeze or you're wallpaper!" The lead one shouted.

The two Evas looked at each other. Asuka snickered. Then the Evas jettisoned their extension cords, split to either side, and went for cover.

The Zakus opened fire. Thousands of machine gun bullets tore apart the courtyard's ferrocrete floor and tore huge divots from the gigantic columns. Shinji fired off the rest of the ammunition from the 50 millimeter pistols, ducked down behind a column, and dropped the empty pistols. He looked at his heads-up display. _Oh, sure,_ he thought morosely, _there's five of them coming after me, and three after Asuka. The least they could do would be to divide things evenly...jerks._ He unslung two Valkyrie-style twenty millimeter gunpods, and looked in Asuka's direction. _Still, I hope she's okay._

  


Asuka was having the time of her life–which, if she was not careful, was going to be short, brutal, and violent. She did not stop for cover; Asuka the Great did not need it. She had nine layers–or was it ten; she couldn't remember–of diamond-impregnated steel armor plate between her and the Zakus' bullets, not to mention the AT field. "Four of them in five minutes?" she crowed. "Give me something tough, why don't you?" With a yodel, she ran up the side of the outer wall and leapt off of it, easily dodging the machine guns, more for effect than need. "Nyah, nyah, can't hit me!" She waggled her fingers at the Zakus and wished she could stick out the Eva's tongue. 

A Zaku stepped out from behind a column and fired his missile. The missile was huge, and Asuka instinctively jumped behind a column. The missile sailed past and obliterated a forty-meter thick column behind her. "Hmm," she mused. "Maybe I'd better not chance the AT field..." She looked over at Shinji and gave him a thumbs up.

_Four minutes, thirty seconds, _Shinji read off the counter. He twisted out from behind the column and held down the triggers of the gunpods, sweeping the courtyard. Three of the Zakus went down under the heavy slugs, crumpling and falling back, spraying blood-like hydraulic fluid. The missile launcher Zaku on his side exploded as one of Shinji's shots found its magazine. 

The four facing Asuka turned to fire on Shinji. Seeing her chance, Asuka somersaulted out of cover and kicked the nearest Zaku in the neck. The head sailed off the shoulders, and Asuka grabbed the decapitated remains. She threw the wreckage towards the remaining two Zakus. She dived back behind a column as another missile was fired at her. The thrown Zaku exploded in a rain of metal and smoke.

Shinji had to get down as well, as bullets spanged off the armor of EVA-01. Maya had not been sure if the Eva's AT fields were still effective inside the Eva Matrix; Ritsuko had known, but she was dead. Though it had grated on Asuka to do so, Shinji had made her agree that she would overly risk herself; he remembered vaguely how she had died, taking on too many at once. He dropped the empty gunpods; Shinji was now out of weapons save for the progressive knife and the emergency flechettes in the shoulder baffles. _Three minutes, thirty seconds._ He chanced a glance from behind the column, and nearly had EVA-01's head taken off by a fusillade of machine gun bullets. Before he ducked back, he noticed one of the fallen Zaku's machine guns laying on the ground. He looked to see how Asuka was doing, and saw a Zaku with a missile launcher pointed right at him.

Asuka was on top of things. So intent on EVA-01 was the Zaku pilot that he never saw EVA-02 slip behind him. She reached out, tore the missile launcher from the shoulder mount, dropped back, and fired. The missile went straight through the Zaku, which collapsed in on itself and went down in an explosion. The remaining Zaku turned to shoot, but before his targeting computer could acquire EVA-02 through the smoke, Asuka leapt out and swung the launcher like a club, smashing the Zaku's head in. She disappeared behind a column as the Zakus on the other side of the courtyard turned to fire on her. _Three minutes._

Shinji saw his chance and jumped out, leaping for the fallen machine gun. He did not think about it; the movement came as easily as if he was doing it himself, not controlling a ten-story high mecha. He came up with the machine gun as bullets whistled past, ricocheting harmlessly off his armor. In mid-flip, he raised the machine gun and pulled the trigger. The machine gun went through its severed belt of ammunition in a half-second, but it was enough to send the Zaku down with a smoking hole where its chest had been. Shinji dropped the empty gun and jumped skyward, over the stream of bullets from the last Zaku, and drew the progressive knife in a single action. With an inarticulate shout of rage, Shinji brought the knees of EVA-01 down on the Zaku's shoulders, smashing it to the ground; Shinji finished it off with a downward stab of the progressive knife.

The silence that followed the final destruction of the Zaku squad was broken by Asuka's voice. "Are you done yet?" EVA-02 was lounging nonchalantly against the remains of a column, one foot on the Zaku next to it.

Shinji looked up, pulling out the progressive knife. "Yes."

"Good. Quit wasting time, baka." EVA-02 turned and walked for the extension cords and the backpack. Shinji smiled; Asuka's "baka" had been tinged with affection, not contempt. He ran EVA-01 over to her. She plugged in the extension cord, and then he helped her with hers. With full power restored, they walked into Metroplex's hangar bay.

  


The other Scouts walked in to find Serena holding Gendo by the ears, her lips only inches from his nose. A now recovered Minako's eyes widened. "What the heck were you doing?!"

"She doesn't know," Mars sighed. "Geez, Serena, you must be desperate to be going for some old guy. But you always did like them older."

"It's not like that!" Serena cried. "What don't I know?" She hooked the earpiece back up. She heard the shouts from Metroplex control for the missing Zaku squad, and could see behind her eyes the smashed remains of the Battlepods and the Zakus in the ruins of the courtyard. 

"I think they're trying to save him," Minako said.

"Nah, they're here to sell us cookies!" Serena screamed. "What're we standing around for! Find them and destroy them!" 


	9. Deliver Us From Eva and Asuka

_(Hey, Chapter Nine! I apologize for the verrrry long delay. Damn college and real life anyway! Anyway, hope you're not too cheesed off. I won't take so long next time. Promise. Really. No need to unleash the Army of Reis...)_

  


The hangar bay was deserted. Using the schematics of Metroplex downloaded by Rei and Maya, the two Evas walked towards the launch bays for the Zakus. Shinji looked around him. "It's like the Eva launch bays in the Geofront," he whispered. "This is just like that..." He saw familiar catwalks, tunnels, and ceilings. _Over there, that's where I saw Rei for the first time...that's where I broke through when I was trying to kill that Angel...what was his name again?_ He shook his head. _How do I know all of this? Who _am_ I?_

"You okay over there?" Asuka said.

"Yeah," Shinji answered. "Sorry."

Asuka did not reply. Both of them came to a launch platform. "This is...familiar..." Asuka said aloud.

"Yeah," Shinji said again. "Come on. We're running out of time."

"Right." Asuka reached down and tore apart the huge plastic backpack. Inside was a N2 mine, a cyndrilical object about the size of a car. Carefully manipulating her Eva's fingers, she made three quarter-turns to arm and set the timer for delayed. A red light came on and began to blink.

Without saying a word, Shinji and Asuka ran for the launch platforms. As Rei had predicted, there was a Zaku-sized manual override set into the side. They locked themselves in place, and Shinji glanced at the N2 mine. "There is no wall," he whispered, and hit the override switch. G-forces tried to crush him into the floor of the cockpit, but the LCL fluid that surrounded him and his plugsuit prevented more than the normal feeling like someone was standing on his chest.

Behind them, the N2 mine began to blink steadily, then faster. When the red light shone steadily, the power of several nuclear bombs blasted through the lower levels of Metroplex, ripping meter-thick concrete doors off their hinges, melting wiring, and destroying any chance of help coming from the lower levels. Any troops, Zakus, or Scouts on the upper levels were on their own.

  


The automatic firefighting systems cut in, spraying everything with water and smelly foam. "Eeeek!" Minako screamed. "This is going to just ruin my hair!"

"That does it," Serena snarled. "Now I'm pissed."

A tinny voice in their earpieces screamed, "We're under attack!"

Mars said nothing. She merely disappeared.

  


Stationed on the roof was an AD Police V-wing that had brought Gendo to Metroplex. Defending it were four Zakus, who were faring no better than the ones in the courtyard had. 

Shinji grabbed one in a headlock and twisted, slowly tearing the head module off. He noticed a Zaku heading for him, readying its missile launcher; without conscious thought, he twisted EVA-01 around, still holding onto the first Zaku, and kicked the other. It flew backwards and slid towards the V-Wing. 

Asuka's attack on the third Zaku guarding the launch shafts had been simple. She somersaulted over the top of it, and before it could turn to face her, she kicked it from behind. The Zaku sailed off the roof to detonate far below. Asuka laughed as it fell, not seeing the fourth Zaku running towards her. 

Shinji did. He grabbed the decapitated Zaku's arm, which still held a machine gun. He raised it and pressed the trigger. A hail of rounds blasted the Zaku, which twisted and followed its comrade off the roof. He saw Asuka's Eva turn towards him, reaching up and pulling a progressive knife from its shoulder contained. She tossed the knife at him. Shinji yelped and dodged, hearing the knife hit something solid behind him. He turned and saw a Zaku, the pilot compartment impaled with the knife. Asuka threw him a thumbs-up, then he noticed the Eva take a step backwards. There was something behind him, and Shinji knew what–or who–it was.

Shinji spun on one heel, drawing the two fifty-millimeter Desert Eagles. He emptied them at the Scout that stood there, so much smaller than the Eva. Any one of the gigantic slugs could have simply vaporized Scout Mars. None even came close. Shinji wasn't sure if he was missing, if she was dodging, or the bullets were simply curving around the Agent. They tore apart the roof and sailed into the distance to explode somewhere inside Tokyo-3. When the smoke cleared, Scout Mars stood there untouched, with a small smile.

Shinji heard the pistols click on empty. "Uh...Asuka?" he called out. "Help!" EVA-02 was motionless.

He had no time to wonder about Asuka, for Mars screamed, "_Burning Mandala!"_ A torrent of fireballs flew from her fingertips as she spun. Shinji dodged, the fireballs sailing past, each so fast he saw ribbons of fire behind them as they ignited the air. He was not sure if he had put up an AT field, but two of the flaming balls struck EVA-01 anyway, in the left leg and right arm. Shinji instinctively jerked his arm and leg back, as he would from boiling water, and the Eva crashed to the rooftop. He felt as if he was truly on fire, and even had to look to make sure. The fire melted through four layers of armor, and Shinji frantically beat at the flames, rolling to put them out. When he had succeeded, he got the Eva up on its elbows, to see Mars at EVA-01's feet, flames flickering around her, her hands pointed directly at Shinji's head. "Only a Gainax character," Mars snorted derisively, and prepared to launch a fireball with the temperature of an exploding sun.

Then she sensed someone behind her. Mars had made a quarter-turn around when Asuka, smiling, said simply, "Dodge this." 

Asuka pulled back on the handle, and a blast of liquid nitrogen from EVA-02's fire extinguisher blasted Scout Mars. Her fire guttered out and her body crystallized instantly. Asuka resisted the urge to utter a corny Governor Schwarznegger line, and instead simply reached out and flicked Scout Mars' forehead. The frozen Scout toppled over and shattered, but when it struck the ground, it was no longer the black fuku-and-sunglasses Scout, but a man dressed in AD Police riot gear. Shinji looked at EVA-02 again, and realized that Asuka, knowing she could never be sneaky in something the size of an apartment building, had ejected the plug and climbed down. "How did you do that?" she asked.

"Oh, that? It was easy, I just braced the Eva's elbows against the roof and–"

"No, stupid. I meant when you dodged the fireballs." She motioned at the shattered remains of what had been Scout Mars. "You move like they do. I've never seen anyone move that fast, not even Rei. Heck, not even me."

Shinji still felt like his limbs had been flash-burned. "I wasn't fast enough." He pointed at the AD Police V-Wing. "Can you fly that?"

She smiled and pulled a cellphone from her plugsuit. "Not yet." She hit the speed-dial button.

"Operator," chirped Maya's voice.

"Maya, I need a pilot program for a V-wing."

"You got it." In reality, Maya flipped through her case of DVDs. She held up one and plugged it in. "_Bubblegum Crisis_ ought to do it."

In the Eva Matrix, Asuka's eyes fluttered briefly as her brain downloaded the images. She looked at EVA-01. "Let's go, Kei–I mean, Shinji. Knight Sabers _sanju!"_

Below them, a somewhat bemused Scout Mars, having reformed into her real body, came back into the sopping wet interrogation room. "Goddess of War my ass," Minako smirked.

"Oh, shut up," Mars shot back.

Suddenly, the windows began to vibrate. A roar grew louder. The Scouts turned as one and saw the sight of the giant V-Wing descend until it was less than ten feet away from the windows. Underneath, they could see the back of EVA-01, recessed into the V-Wing's belly, but what was more attention grabbing was the large nose turret, containing a rather evil-looking thirty millimeter gatling cannon.

"Oh, damn," Serena said, and the cannon opened fire.

Asuka turned the turret from side to side, blasting through the armored glass like it was paper, ripping out support beams, and causing the water to fountain up. The Scouts dodged as best they could, but there was so much lead flying around that even their incredible speed could do little against it. Before any had a chance to get off a magic bolt or even to pose, the shells cut them down. Asuka, to make sure, then began to go to work on the furniture and the Scouts' bodies–or those they had possessed. Asuka was cackling like a psychotic hyena. "AH HAHAHAHAHA! KILL! KILL!"

"Asuka, calm down! We don't want to hit my father!" Shinji yelled. Asuka continued to spray bullets.

  


Rei took out the DVD that Maya had plugged in. "I thought you put in _Bubblegum Crisis,_" she said.

"I did," Maya replied. Rei held the disk in front of her. "Crap!" Maya exclaimed. "_Dirty Pair._" She turned back to the screen. "Well, she's about to run out of bullets...I hope."

  


The gatling cannon spun to a halt as its ammunition drum was finally exhausted. Asuka let out a string of German curses and kicked the instrument panel. "Verdammt! I was just starting to enjoy myself."

Shinji was looking at his father, still more or less crucified. "Come on, Dad. Get up. Get up."

Shinji would never know if Gendo heard him, but the former Commander of NERV and Certified Evil Bastard looked up. He strained against the ropes, and with a mighty yell, tore one arm free. _I knew all those sessions in the gym would finally pay off,_ he thought, and got the other ropes off. Serena was a Sailor Scout, not a Boy Scout, and her knots were not all that effective. He was still groggy from the drugs, but now he had the adrenalin of escape running through him, and the fear that Asuka would begin opening fire again. A few shells had gotten uncomfortably close. He gingerly dropped to the floor, had to take a few breaths to get his wind back, and shakily stood.

The door opened, sending a wave across the still-flooded floor. The three Scouts had reformed and were now visibly upset. Gendo saw them and started sprinting for the only escape route left–the shattered window. Serena bared her teeth in hate, drew off her tiara, and threw it. "Moon Tiara Action!"

The tiara sliced through the walls and struck Gendo in the heels as he was jumping. He shouted in pain, and stumbled.

"He's not going to make it!" Shinji yelled. He pulled a lever halfway, causing EVA-01's torso to fall out partway from beneath the V-Wing. As Gendo leapt into open air, Shinji reached out and caught Gendo in the Eva's right hand. "Gotcha, Dad! Asuka, get us out of here!"

Asuka really wanted to use the missile batteries next, but the Scouts looked to be powering up, so she hauled back on the control column, then slammed it to the right, turning away from the Metroplex for the central district of Tokyo-3. Gendo, held securely in EVA-01's hand, was happy to be rescued, but being gripped by the Eva was unsettling. He remembered what had happened the last time EVA-01 had grabbed him.

Serena caught her tiara, took aim, then tossed it again. This time, the tiara smashed through the right bank of the V-Wing's engines. Flame immediately shot out of them, and the wing pitched over on its side. "Oh, _scheisse!"_ screamed Asuka. "We're hit and going down!" She aimed for the roof of one of the taller buildings in Tokyo-3. "Shinji! I'm going to drop you off on the building!"

Shinji, upside down and watching Tokyo-3 whirl past beneath the Eva's head, was trying not to throw up, but struggled out, "Okay!" He hoped he wouldn't squish his father, so he cradled Gendo against the chest of the Eva, creating a very disturbing mental image. 

Asuka skimmed over the roof, bracing herself against the instrument panel to hold the V-Wing steady. Shinji braced himself and pulled the ejection lever out to its full length. The Eva dropped out, Shinji got its feet under the giant mecha, and EVA-01 skidded across the building, tearing two huge trenches in the roof. He put down his free hand and that helped slow him to a stop. The shadow of the burning V-Wing passed over his head as the right tail assembly burned through and came off. The giant aircraft began to enter a flat spin, and Shinji knew Asuka would not have time to get out. He had to do something, or watch her die. Again.

Shinji quickly but carefully dropped his father off and sprinted for the edge of the roof. Since this is anime, one of the cardinal rules is that the bigger it is, the faster it is, so Shinji was just able to keep pace with the flying wing. He jumped the Eva, grabbed the burning right wing, and pulled back with all his might. The wing's velocity dragged the Eva towards the roof's edge, but it gave Asuka the second she needed. She made sure her straps were tight, reached between her legs, and pulled back on the ejection handle, pushing her head back into the headrest. Explosives blew off the hatch above her, the rocket motor fired a millisecond later, and Asuka blacked out as she was catapulted from the doomed plane. It came not a moment too soon, for the right wing tore free in EVA-01's hands. As Asuka's seat flew high and clear, the V-Wing spun into the side of a building, where it exploded with incredible force, enough to send the Eva reeling back. "Oops," Shinji said. "I hope there weren't _too_ many people in that building..." 

Asuka had recovered consciousness as three parachutes blossomed from the back of her seat. She drifted down like a pop fly to deep center. Shinji caught her in the cupped palms of EVA-01 as easy as a Cubs fan at Soldier Field.

  


On the _Bebop,_ Maya's hands shot into the air. "Yes!"

"I knew it," Rei smiled. "He is the Third Child." She gently pushed Maya back into the seat, as the young woman had started in on the Kaolla Su Victory Jig.

  


Shinji set Asuka down and then ejected his entry plug, climbing down to the rooftop, trying to wring the LCL out of his hair. 

"Do you believe it now, Asuka?" Gendo smiled.

"Yeah, yeah," Asuka sighed, but it was a happy sigh. "Shinji's king of the world."

  


Gendo and Shinji shared a hug, something neither had ever thought they would. Shinji drew back. "Dad. The Oracle...Belldandy...she told me I'm–"

"She told you exactly what you needed to hear, that's all. Shinji, sooner or later you're going to realize, just as I did, that there's a difference between knowing the path...and walking it."

Shinji, as confused as ever, hugged his dad anyway.

  


Maya's earpiece buzzed. "Operator."

"Ibuki."

Maya grinned despite the pain. "Wow, it's so kewl to hear your voice, sir."

"The pleasure is all mine. We need an exit."

"Got one ready, Commander. Kiki's Bakery, Ghibli and Tezuka. You can make it in five minutes."

"On our way."

  


Serena saw the distant explosion, but knew that her targets were still alive, still moving. "Dammit."

"The trace was completed," Minako said.

"Luna has their position," Mars added.

"The Inus are standing by," Minako added to that.

"Order the strike," Mars added to _that._

"Knock off the Tomax and Xamot routine," Serena snapped. "Send in the Inus. _I'll_ deal with Mr. Ikari. I can't trust you two not to screw it up."

"Go for it," Minako said.

"Knock yourself out," Mars added.

"Whatever blows your skirt up," Minako added to that.

"If he kicks your ass, we'll laugh at you," Mars added to _that._ She backed off as Serena made sounds of rupture.

  


_(Ahh...you know what's coming next...Shinji versus Serena! The fight you never thought you'd see! See you in a few...)_


	10. Pie Another Day

_(Here we go, Chapter Ten! Didn't take so long this time, did it? As always, enjoy...)_

  


After a brisk run, the trio made it to Ghibli and Tezuka. The door was locked, so Asuka used her all-purpose lockpick: she kicked the door in. Shinji politely closed what was left of the door behind them.

The bakery was not what Shinji expected. It was more of a warehouse, taking up the whole top floor of a hundred-meter long building. Lining the shelves were hundreds of pies, cakes, and sweets, including one colossal wedding cake that stood ten feet high, divided into several layers. Asuka's stomach rumbled audibly.

"Hey!" 

They turned to face the owner of the voice. It was a girl, barely into her teens, wearing a blue frock, white knee socks, loafers, and a red ribbon in her hair. She was rather cute, in a girlish way. The trio went into a defensive mode, wondering if this was a Scout. "What's wrong, little girl?" Shinji asked as affably as he could.

"Little girl? I'm Kiki, the owner of this bakery, and one of you just kicked in my storeroom door!" The girl stomped her foot in anger.

Gendo spread his hands in a I-mean-no-harm gesture. "We're really sorry about that, Kiki-san, but we're in a bit of a hurry, so if you can just tell us what we can do to repay the damage–"

"Yeah, you can repay me," Kiki said. She reached behind a shelf and pulled out a gigantic Smith and Wesson .44 caliber revolver. "You can DIE!"

"A Scout!" Shinji shrieked, and dived for cover. Asuka, out in the open, was seriously considering taking a swan dive into the cake when Gendo acted first. He snatched up a rolling pin and tossed it like a javelin, striking Kiki between the eyes. The revolver clattered to the floor. "Not a Scout," Gendo puffed. He was more worn out than he cared to imagine.

"Whew," Asuka said. "What kind of a world is this where cute little teenage girls pack heat?"

"A contrived one," Gendo answered. The phone on the counter began to ring. Shinji, dusting himself off from the bags of flour he had dived on, looked at his father. "You first, Dad."

Gendo clasped Shinji's shoulder, nodded, and picked up the phone. "Kiki's Delivery," he said, then smiled. "Nice to hear your voice as well, Rei." Then Gendo faded from sight, and the phone clattered to the desk. Shinji picked it up and replaced it in its holder.

Asuka faced Shinji. "Shinji, I..." she faltered, and looked away for a moment. The phone began to ring again. Shinji almost reached out for her, but hesitated. "I want to tell you something," she continued, in almost a whisper, "but I'm afraid of what it could mean if I do." She faced Shinji, and he was surprised to see her eyes watery. "Everything the Oracle told me has come true. Everything...but this."

Shinji blinked. _She can't mean...no, of course not. Even...even before, she never really liked me...did she?_ He picked up the phone and handed it to her. "Tell me later," he whispered, his voice choked with emotion.

Asuka nodded. She reached out and caressed his cheek as she put the reciever to her ear. Shinji saw her eyes widen with fear.

"MOON PRINCESS HALATION!"

Shinji jerked back reflexively as a bolt of raw energy flashed past his face. He rolled to one side, half expecting to see the smoldering remains of Asuka. "_NO!"_ he shouted. _"NOT AGAIN!"_

Yet Asuka was gone. The only thing smoldering was the phone.

  


In the real world, Asuka's eyes flew open. "Shinji!"

"What just happened?" Maya asked, scanning the Eva Matrix unfolding before her. 

"A Scout," Rei said. She pointed to the screen. "Blue pattern."

"You have to send me back!" Asuka shouted.

"I can't!" Maya replied shrilly. "The connection's been severed!"

  


In Kiki's Bakery, Shinji got to his feet. Standing at the other end of the bakery, where Kiki's inert form had been, was Serena, Scout Moon. She twirled her scepter in one hand, streamers of smoke coming off of it. "Oh, poop. I missed." She turned to Shinji, and smiled with all the warmth of an asp. "Mr. Ikari, we meet again."

Shinji took two faltering steps backward. He knew he had a good fifty meter head start on Serena. He could run away, find another exit.

_Someday, someone's going to have to fight them._ His father's words echoed in his mind.

Shinji looked at Serena, who was advancing on him, taking her time, her black boots stirring up little swirls of flour dust from the floor. She was smirking at him, daring him to run, with the same expression a wolf would give a rabbit, a tiger a mongoose, and an otaku a box of pocky. And that, frankly, pissed Shinji off.

_I mustn't run away,_ Shinji thought, and stopped as his foot brushed up against something. He glanced down. It was Kiki's Smith and Wesson.

"Run, Shinji, you baka!" Asuka screeched. "Run! What's he doing, Gendo?" All thoughts of rank were forgotten.

Gendo stared intently at the screen and slowly pushed his glasses back up his nose. "He's starting to believe."

  


Scout Mars and Minako, Scout Venus, sat in front of a plasma screen. Mars set a tub of popcorn between them, and Minako dived a gloved hand into it. 

"Bet you 500 yen that she gets her butt kicked," Mars said.

"You're on," Minako grinned.

  


Serena stopped twenty paces from Shinji. Her expression changed to one of confusion. Then she looked at the pistol on the floor, and her smile returned. She set down her scepter slowly and deliberately, then rose to her full height. She bowed to Shinji, as an equal.

Shinji returned the bow. They held it for a moment, then straightened. They stared at each other, each waiting for the other to make a move. The world was frozen for one, single instant as man and Scout waited.

Serena moved first. She knelt in a blur of motion, grabbing the scepter and raising it, even as Shinji kicked the pistol into the air in approved Rally Vincent fashion and grabbed it.

"MOON PRINCESS HALATION!" Serena shouted.

"SHINJI BIG ASS GUN ATTACK!" Shinji shouted back.

A bolt of purple lightning shot across the bakery, tearing a long streak in the floor as the pressure wave smashed through the boards. Shinji was amazed at how he could see it coming, how time seemed to slow, how he was able to step aside, aim, and fire, a millisecond before the bolt neatly sliced the gun in half and nearly his fingers as well. Then the pressure wave sent him reeling to the floor as the lightning smashed its way through the wall and dissipated against a concrete retaining wall outside.

Serena picked herself up off the floor, shaking her ponytails free of the dust, wondering when she was going to learn to brace herself before firing off that attack. She saw Shinji tossing aside the remains of the pistol. "Your toy is broken," she grinned.

"So's yours," Shinji replied. Serena looked at her scepter. It hung askew, almost chopped in half where the bullet had torn through it. 

"Hmpf," Serena snorted. She tossed aside the now-useless weapon. "Big whoop. You got lucky." She reached towards her forehead. "Let's see how you like this."

"Oh, crap," Shinji said to himself. Kiki's pistol was the only weapon he had. His plugsuit was still intact, but that was it. He had only seconds, and then Serena was probably going to cut him in half with her tiara. Shinji's desperate eyes alighted on the one weapon he had within easy reach.

"MOON TIARA–" Serena began, but then she was smashed in the face with a Kiki's Super Sticky Chocolate Cream Pie. She flew backwards into a shelf, which collapsed behind her, but somehow stayed on her feet.

There was silence in which one might count five, then Serena managed to pull her right hand free of her face, where it had cemented itself in chocolate, then reached up and grabbed her tiara. She tugged at it. And tugged again. She then used both hands, but short of a blowtorch, there was no way Serena could pry the tiara from the gooey brown mess on her forehead.

Finally, she gave up and looked at Shinji with eyes that could burn a hole through Eva-class armor. 

  


Abruptly Scout Mars stood and faced the audience. (That's you, faithful readers.) "I must interrupt this fight scene with a public service announcement." She reached into her suit jacket and pulled out a handwritten note. "Ahem. 'The following, while based somewhat on the famous Neo vs. Agent Smith fight scene in _The Matrix,_ is actually based on the author's twisted imagination, as he could find no way to fit a pie fight into the original scene. So you have been warned. Sincerely, the Author.'" She looked down at a scrawl on the bottom of the note. "'And Minako's butt is prettier than Mars'.' WHAT?!" She whirled on Minako. "This is YOUR handwriting on the bottom!"

"You said 'bottom'..." 

  


Shinji stood defiantly, or as defiantly as he could. "Yeah? Take your best shot, Sailor Goon!"

"WHAT?!" Serena picked up a cheesecake and raised it to smite Shinji. Then she looked at it. Her stomach rumbled. "Cheesecake..." she moaned. "I can't..."

Shinji saw his chance and took it, nailing Serena in the chest with a lemon meringue. She staggered backwards and dropped the cheesecake. The glass pan it was in shattered on the floor, wrecking the confection and making it inedible. Serena got to her feet and tore off her ruined suit coat. She looked at the ruined cheesecake, then at Shinji. "I shall enjoy watching you _die_, Mr. Ikari."

Shinji pressed his attack. He ran forward and threw a punch at her face, following it up with an orange sherbet cake. Serena blocked the punch, elbowed Shinji in the nose, took a bite of the cake, and kicked him into a shelf. She then reached into a convienent freezer, pulled out a block of Neapolitan, and attempted to smash it into the wall, with Shinji's head in the middle. Shinji weaved to one side, landed a solid blow on Serena's side, then remembered a finishing move from a game he had once played with...Kensuke Aida? It didn't matter. He did a handstand and swung his legs upward to drive his boots into Serena's face.

Yet the Scout was still faster. She withdrew her hands from the pulverized Neapolitan and grabbed both Shinji's legs. "Shall I make a wish?" she said, baring perfect teeth. "Or maybe I'll just see what color your liver is!" With that, she tossed him towards the door. He rolled with it and came up ready to fight, just in time to first be hit with a deep-dish cherry pie (insert Warrant joke here), then a massive birthday cake for a 55 year old businessman. Shinji went down and nearly stayed down. He spit blood and flaky crust.

  


In the real world, he only spit blood. "Great Mother Chiyoko," Asuka breathed. "She's killing him." Asuka tore a strip from her tunic and wiped the blood from Shinji's mouth.

  


Shinji shook his head free, wished someone would answer the phone that was ringing in his skull, and slowly got to his feet, covered in syrupy cherries and frosting. Serena paused, a piece of cake halfway to her mouth. Shinji brushed off some of the frosting, set his jaw determinedly, and went into a Kenshin stance. The frosting flew off of him like snow. He faced Serena, unafraid, then gave her a come-hither-and-get-your-butt-kicked gesture.

Serena carefully set down the cake, brushed her hands free, and charged Shinji. He avoided her first hasty punch, blocked another, and delivered a roundhouse kick to her stomach. Serena twisted at the last moment to take it in the side, but she still winced in pain. She punched Shinji, but Shinji was already spinning, using the kinetic energy of the hit to twist him around, where he could hit her back just as hard. Shinji was in combat mode now, and knew it. _I can beat her!_

He dodged a thrown chocolate mousse, took a running start off of the giant wedding cake, and got in two solid kicks at Serena's upper body. She blocked both of them with raised arms, but it forced her backwards. Shinji came down, grabbed a handful of a nearby cake, and thrust it towards Serena's mouth. She leaned backwards to avoid it, but then Shinji merely extended his hand and threw the cake between her lips. Serena staggered, hacking and spitting. "Ack! Carrot cake!" she gasped. 

Shinji didn't give her a chance to recover. He swung a hook kick at her, but she caught his leg. He merely used that for leverage, grabbed a double handful of her ponytails, and gave her a rough head-butt that would have killed a lesser opponent. Unfortunately for Shinji, he was not using that muscle of his body known as his brain, and rammed his head into the chocolate-covered ruby at the heart of Serena's tiara. It was enough to make her let go of his leg, but everything went black for a moment for Shinji Ikari.

A moment was all Serena needed. Still spluttering, she grabbed him by the front of his shirt and flung him into the nearest wall. It cratered beneath him, but Shinji someone stayed on his feet. 

Serena dragged two shelves full of pastries over next to her. "How _dare_ you hit me with a pie? You think this is Ranma ½ or something?" She smashed him in the chest with a mud pie, then smacked him less than a second later with a grasshopper. Soon Serena's arms were windmilling in a blur, grabbing pies and cakes off the shelf and hitting Shinji with them. "YATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA!" she screamed.

Shinji now resembled a vaguely man-shaped birthday gala that had been hit with a B-52 strike. Serena reached into the mess, got a purchase on some part of Shinji's anatomy that felt like his neck, wound up, and threw him into Kiki's desk, splintering it. "And do you know how much I HATE carrots?" she screamed.

"Urgh," Shinji replied.

Serena didn't bother to decode that. She grabbed him again and proceeded to toss him through the hole her last Moon Princess Halation attack had made in the wall. Shinji smashed into the concrete wall and slid down to land on some very cold rail tracks, leaving a streak of blood and frosting.

He managed to get to all fours, but no more than that. He wiped away some of the frosting and pie contents from his face, and realized with a start where he was. It was a tunnel, and the whistling sound he heard could only come from a bullet train. 

Infused with new energy, Shinji tried to get up, but then Serena landed squarely on top of him. Before he could react, she had him in a head lock and seemed to be doing her best to twist his head off. The sound of the bullet train got louder.

"Flew yew hore flat, Mifsler Gikgari? Flat ifsth fle floun flor inududblearikity. Flat ifsth fle floumd flor fleur dooeth," Serena said ominously. 

"What?" Shinji asked. "I didn't understand that."

Serena chomped loudly, then swallowed the big slice of wedding cake. "I _said,_ do you hear that, Mr. Ikari? That is the sound of inevitability." She raised his head towards the onrushing bullet. "That is the sound of your death."

"Okay, I got it that time."

"Glad to hear it." Serena tightened her grip. "Goodbye, Mr. Ikari."

Shinji felt new power in his veins. He didn't know how, or why, but it was there, waiting to be tapped. "I am not just _Shinji_," he growled at her. "I am..._the Third Child!"_

Impossibly, Serena felt herself being propelled upwards. Shinji didn't gather his legs under him or push off with his hands, he simply rose straight up like a balloon with the air let out. She had barely registered this fact when she was crushed into the concrete ceiling headfirst. Shinji dropped down, let go, then leapt backwards a split-second before the bullet train would have turned him into a bloody frosty smear. (Ew.) Serena got to her feet just in time to get run down. 

Shinji threw himself backwards into Kiki's Bakery before the suction from the bullet pulled him in with her. He scraped off as much of the goo as he could, then grabbed a tart off a plate on the shelf next to him. "To the victor go the spoils, I suppose," he mused, and took a bite. "Almost as good as Belldandy's..."

With an earsplitting screech, the bullet slammed on its brakes. Shinji began backing towards the door. He heard the hiss of pressurized air as one of the train's doors opened, then through the hole stepped Serena, back in a pristine suit of all black. "Now I'm _annoyed,_" she snarled.

Shinji turned and fled. His only chance now was to find a phone. And run.

  


"Oh, hell," Mars said. "I suppose that means we gotta go back to work."

"Suppose so," Minako said. "Pay up."

"WHAT?! Serena lost! She got run over by the train! It's not Shinji's fault that we can't be killed!"

"Sure, whatever you say..."


	11. The Scout That Shouted You Can't Do That...

_(It's the final countdown! (Insert Europe song here.) Thanks to all who stuck with me through a long and tough semester…sorry it took so long, but the stupid college won't accept writing dumb fanfics as writing credit…)_

  


"That's not fair!" shouted Asuka angrily. "Stupid Scouts get to regenerate. It's worse than Vice City!" Rei rubbed her ear as Asuka continued to fume and spit. She remembered another time when an Eva pilot had fought something that could not be killed. It had not gone very well for that pilot. Rei looked at Asuka and wondered if she remembered.

Suddenly Shinji disappeared from the Eva Matrix readout. "Hey, where'd he go?" Asuka asked.

"I don't know—I lost him," Maya said, tapping keys. "Either the Matrix is locking me out, or Shinji's found a way to obscure his signature…I wish sempai were here…"

"She's dead." Gendo stood behind Maya, one hand on her shoulder. "You're the sempai now, Maya. Find him."

"Yes, Commander," Maya replied, nodding. She entered a command, then an alarm went off. "Oh oh. Look at this, sir."

Gendo looked at the monitors, Asuka squeezing in beside him. "Oh crap," she said. "Inus."

"How long?" Rei asked.

"Five, maybe six minutes. Rei, go charge the SIT." Rei nodded, pulled up a seat beside Maya, and flipped open a panel and began entering command messages on the tiny keyboard. Beside the keyboard was the Big Red SIT Button.

"You can't use that until Shinji's out," Asuka half-snarled, her fingers digging into Gendo's arm.

"I know," Gendo replied. "I am not the man I once was, Asuka." He smiled. "Don't worry. He's going to make it."

  


Shinji might have been cheered by his father's confidence in him, because he could have used some confidence in himself at the moment. He had fought Scout Moon, perhaps the most powerful of the Scouts, to a standstill and she was still after him. Being chased by a ditzy blonde would normally not have bothered Shinji, but a ditzy blonde who could smash a pie through a wall was a different story entirely. It was like being chased by a gamma-radiated Britney Spears with PMS. Worse, the feeling of futility was beginning to crawl through his mind again, the same way he had felt when he had seen Asuka's eviscerated Eva, felt Misato's dying breath…

_Where did that come from?_ Shinji wondered, missing a step. _How do I remember these things? Holy cow, who the hell _am_ I?_

That would have to wait as Shinji finally spied someone talking on a cell phone. He ran by the man and grabbed the phone in mid-stride. "Sorry!" Shinji called out from behind him. "This is really an emergency, trust me!"

"Hey! That's my phone!" the man called out, but Shinji was halfway down the street. The man sagged against a pillar. "Now I'll never get hold of the pig-tailed girl—"

Shinji stole a look behind him as he tapped in the number. To his horror, Scout Moon was now only fifty yards behind him, now dressed in a blue karate gi and clutching a wooden bokken. "Operator," came Maya's voice.

"Maya, I need an exit!"

"Shinji! Glad you're not dead—look, we've got some problems up here—"

"Would you shut up and listen to me?!" Shinji exclaimed uncharacteristically. "Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention—wait, that's not right…" He fished a piece of paper from his jacket. "I mean, get me the hell out of here! There's a steak dinner in it if you do!"

"Well, in _that_ case…head for the Heart of Tokyo-3 Hotel, at Takahashi and Ozuka!"

"Okay!" Shinji snapped shut the phone and continued running for all he was worth. He nearly ran over a young purple-haired girl pedaling a bike, holding Chinese take out in her hands. A moment later, and he was being chased by Scout Mars, who tossed a boiling pot of egg drop soup at him and then began flinging fireballs at him, not much caring who got immolated along the way.

As Shinji saw Scout Venus step out of an okonomiyaki palor with a gigantic spatula in her hand, he ducked into an alley. This proved not to be one of Shinji's better tactical moves, as the alley was a dead end. He whirled to see Serena advancing towards him with the bokken, Mars on her bicycle, and Minako with her spatula of doom. "Oh shit," Shinji said. He opened the phone and hit speed-dial. "Help, Maya! I need help!"

"Door!"

Shinji needed no further prompting. He ran through a doorway that was marked NERIMA HOT SPRINGS RESORT just as it was impaled by four smaller spatulas.

He was in a resort of some sort. He ducked as assorted soap bars, towels, and baskets were thrown at him as he dashed through the women's bath, then dashed up a flight of stairs into what looked to be a row of guest rooms. He saw Serena appear at the other end of the hallway, looking very annoyed.

"Door on your left!" Maya shouted into the phone.

Shinji promptly ran to the right.

"No, baka!" screamed Asuka. "Your _other_ left!"

_Feel like I'm playing Elevator Action,_ Shinji thought as he tore through a shoji wall and ran through a living room. He had a flash of a pink-haired girl as he ran into the kitchen. Reflexes saved him from eating the butt end of an electric guitar. Shinji looked up, expecting one of the Scouts, but the girl's features had not changed.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"Sorry," said the girl. "Thought you were someone else."

Shinji shook his head and ran out into the balcony. It was a dead end, overlooking several hot spring pools. He heard footfalls behind him, then a crash and the twang of guitar strings. "What in the name of the moon was that for?" he heard Serena yell, to which came a flurry of replies about thinking they were someone else and that they looked evil and such. Shinji didn't wait around to see who won the argument, but took advantage of the contrived delay and leapt from the balcony, grabbing one of the long poles that stuck out from the equally contrived hot springs below.

The tough but flexible bamboo bent in the middle, letting Shinji to miss the high stone wall that surrounded the pools and drop him into another alley in the surrounding megalopolis of Tokyo-3. Serena came out on the balcony, nursing a sore jaw, and heard Shinji yell as he fell off the bamboo. With the grace given a former Moon Princess, Serena leapt from the balcony as well, but nimbly skipped along the tops of the poles. 

Mars followed in her tracks easily, as did Minako—but the bamboo Shinji had used was gyrating wildly, and suddenly snapped back and hit Minako in the face. She screamed and fell into one of the pools. "Oh, for the love of…" Serena grumbled. "Mars, get her out of there."

"What about the Third Child?"

"Mister _Ikari_ I'll take care of myself. Get Minako out before she drowns." Serena shook her head as she continued running in Shinji's general direction. "And they call me a klutz—" Suddenly, she stopped, looking up at the sign on the hotel. And smiled, realizing where she had seen this sign before.

  


The _Bebop_ was a stationary target, hovering in the former titanic sewer pipe. It was an easy target for the mass production Inus that dropped on it from on high. They instantly dug in their foot claws and began tearing into the _Bebop_'s tough exterior with diamond-edged steel claws.

The four remaining members of the _Bebop's_ crew looked up as they heard the sound of scraping metal. "Oh, schiesse," Asuka breathed.

Gendo nodded. The endgame was afoot. "Here they come," he sighed, putting his hand on the Big Red Button. Both Asuka and Rei looked at him, concerned. Gendo only smiled faintly. "He's going to make it."

Maya did her best to shut out all the distractions. "He's out of the Nerima district and made it past the Relocated Cursed Springs of Jusenkyo—he's at the hotel."

Asuka quickly walked over to Shinji's real body, which gave no hint of the danger he was in except for a sheen of sweat on his forehead. "C'mon, Shinji, you baka…just a few more seconds…"

  


"Fire escape at the end of the alley, Shinji," Maya guided. "Get into room 91300!"

Shinji didn't reply, only threw the cell phone over his shoulder as he dived through the door, a second before Mars' Burning Mandala fried it off its hinges. She snapped her fingers in frustration and looked at Minako. "Think you could be any slower? You _would_ have to fall into the only cursed springs in the whole of the Eva Matrix!"

"Pika!" answered Minako angrily.

  


The scraping grew louder and more insistent from above. Then the _Bebop's_ onboard computer screeched a warning. "They're inside," Rei said dispassionately. She stood behind Maya and Gendo, going into a loose fighting stance, prepared to die again to defend her mentor and friend to the last.

Asuka remained at Shinji's side; for what reason, she did not want to admit. She wiped his forehead free of the sweat with her sleeve. "Hurry, Shinji. You can do it."

  


Shinji ran down the corridor, his lungs aching from exertion, each breath hurting him badly. As he got to the ninth floor and saw Room 1300 at the end of the dimly-lit hall, he heard a phone ringing. _Gonna make it,_ he thought, and smiled. He looked behind him, but no Scouts were on his tail. With no further adieu, he kicked open the door of Room 1300 and ran head on into the small breasts of Serena, Agent Scout Moon.

"Ecchi," she said as she pushed him back, the rammed the sharp end of her scepter into his heart.

Shinji gasped in pain, then coughed. He looked down in shock and saw blood—his blood—ooze from the wound, then rapidly cover the front of his plugsuit. He looked back to Serena, and was mildly surprised to see pity in her eyes, and even a hint of sadness. It didn't stop her from ramming the scepter even deeper into him, until the end ripped from Shinji's back. Slowly, Shinji staggered back into the hall, struck the wall, and slid down it, leaving a wet scarlet trail on the filthy wall. He sagged down to the floor, his eyes wide open and unseeing.

  


The _Bebop_'s crew froze as the life monitor above Shinji's chair flatlined.

"It can't be…" Gendo said, stunned. "Not Shinji…"

  


Serena bent down and pulled the scepter from Shinji's unmoving form. She poked him with her boot as Mars arrived next to her. Serena nodded to her, her eyebrows beetling together as she saw Minako. "What happened to Venus?"

"Fell into the Spring of Drowned Pikachu. Is he dead?"

Minako waddled forward and pressed a yellow paw against Shinji's throat. "Pika," she said with finality.

"He's gone," Mars confirmed with a half-smile. "Let's go find Minako some cold water." They turned and walked down the corridor. Serena lingered a moment, cleaning the gore from her scepter on the ends of her borrowed gi. "Goodbye, Mister Ikari," she said, somehow saddened that it should end this way.

  


The Inus were tearing the _Bebop_ apart, advancing on the main deck. It was only a matter of time. "They're in the after compartments," Maya said dully. Rei only nodded: there would be no resurrection this time. Gendo's fingers hovered over the SIT, still clinging to a shred of hope. Shinji had not died in Third Impact. He could not die now.

Asuka was caressing Shinji's cold cheeks. "Shinji…you know what?" she said in a small voice. "I'm not afraid." She brushed back Shinji's hair. "Belldandy told me I would fall in love, and that man, the man I loved, would be the Third Child." She smiled. "So, you baka, you can't be dead…because I love you. You hear me? I love you." 

Asuka did two things she had never done before, at least in her own memory. She cried, but as she did so, she leaned forward and kissed Shinji full on the lips. It was no peck-on-the-lips, holding-the-nose kiss either, but a full-on, open-mouth, smack-that-monkey smooch.

The life monitors hiccuped. Shinji's body stirred. Asuka broke the kiss. "Now get up, baka! Get UP!"

  


Shinji's eyes snapped open and he sat up. There was no pain. "Hey! Asuka kissed me!" he exclaimed. "She wasn't playing games this time either! She REALLY KISSED ME!" He jumped up and began to dance a jig. "Hah! I got kissed! I got kissed!"

The Scouts turned around in amazement, their jaws dropping as one as Shinji's gaping wound suddenly healed of its own accord. Shinji stopped his dance and looked down at the wound, then looked up. 

"No," Serena snarled. "it can't be."

"BURNING MANDALA!" Mars screamed, sending fireballs down the corridor.

"PIKAAAAA!" yelled Minako, following it with electrical blasts. Both sailed past a still astounded Serena.

Shinji simply reached out with his hand. A hexagonal field appeared, easily deflecting the flames and bolts.

  


If Maya's eyes widened any larger, she would have qualified to guest star on Di Gi Charat. "It's…it's an AT Field," she whispered. "How?"

Gendo only smiled, even as the Inus began advancing down the corridor. "He is the Third Child."

  


With a primal scream, Serena charged Shinji. She swung the scepter, but Shinji knocked it from her hand as easily as he would from a baby. She then aimed a flurry of punches at Shinji, but Shinji, looking somewhat amazed at how slow she was moving, blocked them easily with his hand, then simply began using his left hand to block, checking the nails of his right hand for dirt, picking his nose, and finally taking care of an insistent scratch on his neck. Once that was done, he turned to a flabbergasted Serena and flicked her forehead as he expanded his AT Field–how he did not know, but he did know he could and that was enough. Serena, meanwhile, went flying backwards as if kicked.

Shinji saw the corridor and the Scouts as if for the first time. He could see everything, down to the places where the animators had messed up, eraser marks, even cel miscolorations. He knew all, remembered all. "I am me," Shinji said clearly. "I am me."

Serena slowly got to her feet and prepared to defend herself, an unusual occurrence for her. Shinji got a running start and jumped into Serena–

"Like hell," Serena snapped at the author.

"Yeah, that's gross," Shinji added.

Sorry. Er, Shinji assimilated...no, that's copyrighted...Shinji and Serena became one....no...oh, hell, you've seen the movie. Shinji does something really kewl and disappears inside Serena.

"Urgh," Serena hiccupped, looking as if she had just swallowed a bowling ball. Cracks appeared in her skin and began travel up her body, and her ponytails stood straight out to either side. The Scouts took one step back. 

"Hey," Serena said into the sudden silence. "Darien could be Tuxedo Mask. I never thought of—"

Then Serena, the undefeatable, magical, Agent Scout Moon, exploded. The Scouts ducked the pieces of her (eww) as they flew through the air and de-rezzed. In her place was Shinji, wearing a sailor fuku and a tiara. He flexed, and his clothes returned to the plugsuit he had been wearing and sparing the reader such brain-exploding images. The walls flickered and reformed into something more pleasant and clean.

Mars looked at Minako, who looked back worriedly. "Screw this!" She picked up Pikachu Minako and hauled ass.

"SHINJI!" he heard Asuka yell, and Shinji turned and was at the phone at the speed of thought.

  


An Inu had landed less than ten feet from Asuka and Shinji's still inert body. It looked up with blood-red eyes, ground steel fangs together, and advanced towards them, its claws clacking on the metal floor and between its fingers. It jumped into the air, hand claws a foot long. Asuka screamed and threw herself over Shinji.

Another three Inus were running towards Gendo, Rei, and Maya. Gendo glanced at Shinji, hoped he was right, and slammed his hand on the Big Red Button.

A nine-foot hologram of a girl in a green fuku appeared on the deck. She pointed and screamed "SIT!" Instantly, the Inus dropped to the floor and writhed in agony as the hologram continued to scream "sit." Finally, they stopped moving, their eyes dimming out like a stomped-on Terminator. 

All was silent on the _Bebop_ except for occasional sparks. Shinji's eyes fluttered open to see Asuka slowly rising up from where she had shielded him with her own body. "Hey," he said weakly, "don't go away yet." With confidence he would not have dreamed of before, Shinji reached up and pulled Asuka's lips to his own. 

  


"I know you're out there. I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid.

"You're afraid of us, the free ones. You're afraid of change. You've had it your own way for too long.

"I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. Mainly because I don't know if the author is going to do 'The Evangelion Matrix Reloaded' or 'The Evangelion Matrix Revolutions.' He has a life...not much of one, granted, but he does have one. Anyway, I came here to tell you how this is going to begin. 

"Now I'm going to hang up this phone, and I'm going to show these otaku what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them that there is a great big world out there that they've barely touched. I'm going to show them that there's more than just subbed not dubbed, more than just pocky, that Japanese girls really do say 'ehhh' when they're amazed and that guys should not wear Sailor Moon fukus or Asuka's sun dress. A world without borders. A world...where anything is possible."

Shinji hung up the phone and stepped out of the booth. He put on his sunglasses and adjusted his plugsuit. Few paid him any mind...but they would. He tensed slightly as a policewoman walked up to him. "Hey pal," the copette said, "is that your mecha parked over there?"

"Yeah," Shinji replied.

"It's parked in a no mecha zone." The policewoman winked at him. "But if you move it right now, I won't ticket you."

Shinji grinned. "I'll be out of here so quick you won't believe it." With that, he leapt straight up to the head of EVA-01. A few moments later, the Eva dropped to its knees and then propelled itself straight up. Angelic, neon wings sprung from its back and it disappeared into a cerulean blue sky.

"I didn't know mecha could do that," the policewoman said. "Oh well...I guess in an infinite universe, anything is possible."

  


THE EVER-LOVIN' END

  
  
  
  
  
  



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